A Letter to My Anxiety

Ah anxiety, my old friend. For a while there, I really thought we were separated for good. We had a pretty long run, a whole year when you held me as I fought against you, and then another year when I slowly discovered that you weren’t all bad, just a little overprotective.

And when I stopped fighting so hard because I stopped being so scared, you stopped begging so desperately for my attention. We had reached a mutual understanding, and for the first time in several years, I felt whole again. More me than I’d ever been because I felt I had unlocked an inherent part of me that had evaded me before.

You visited from time to time over the next years, checking in, making sure I was still protected and safe. Sometimes you made me uncomfortable, when your alluring voice made me believe things that weren’t true. But I knew by then that you often said things that weren’t true, not because you wanted to hurt me, but simply as a defense mechanism, a way to make sure I was still listening to you, that I still needed you.

Your check-ins stopped bothering me because you would often say the same things, and I learned to smile into your face when you screamed terrible things at me. My lack of reaction would show you that such theatrics were unnecessary, and you would calm down before long.

But our mutual understanding required a deal on my part, a deal I haven’t been able to uphold in the past few months. Take care of yourself. Don’t stress. Rest adequately.

I know I haven’t been resting enough, sleeping enough, taking pauses enough, but it hasn’t been for lack of trying. Because sometimes life happens, and it’s just really hard. It’s hard to remember to take that pause, to remember that at the end of the day, my health and wellbeing matter so much more than those three papers that are all due on the same day. That laughing with my friends should always take precedence over an extra credit assignment.

It used to be easy for you to say things that would break me because you would target the very things I lacked confidence in. All the fears and doubts that my insecure brain would fixate on because all I wanted back then was to be perfect.

But I learned. I learned that perfection was not just unattainable, but unappealing. I learned to let go of control and that the best things happen in life when you jump head-first, without any certainty or planning. And so I stopped fearing things I couldn’t control, and I stopped trying to control them. And that is when your words ceased to bother me.

But lately… I’ve been slacking on self-love. I’ve been moving too fast, forgetting to pause and look around, until I felt caught in a current that was pulling me and pulling me, leaving me powerless to resist.

And weakened by the current, I let you in again, and this time your words cracked through my carefully built walls and hit me like a punch in the gut. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I knew how to manage any thought, any feeling, that came at me, but I’d forgotten that to do that, I had to make sure my own reserves were full. Because when you’re exhausted and constantly running on empty, you have no strength to fight what comes at you.

So I find myself once more in a battle with you, though I don’t want to fight. I want us to be like we were, where I know you don’t mean me any harm, and I know to take what you say with a grain of salt. It’s been hard, lately. I’ve found myself listening to your lies and almost succumbing to them, though I always manage to pull myself out at the last second.

Because I am stronger now. Because I know what I need to do for us to be okay again. I just don’t know if I can get there on my own again. But if there’s anything I learned from the last time, it’s that there is nothing wrong with asking for help.

I’m not the same lost and scared girl I was then. I know myself now; I know you. I know what I need to feel like myself, though it’s harder to get there when you’re always calling for my attention. But mostly, I know that this, too, shall pass. That just as no period of sunshine lasts forever, neither does the rain.

And rain isn’t that scary or all bad either. It’s what makes the flowers grow, and it’s the perfect opportunity to curl up with a good book, a blanket, and a mug of coffee. It’s where the best kisses happen. And even if you have to go outside and you don’t have an umbrella or the proper shoes or someone to hold your hand, that just makes that moment when you get back into the warmth that much sweeter.

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Please don’t worry about me, loves. My anxiety did return about a month ago and got quite intense leading up to spring break, but taking the necessary rest and relaxation over break was exactly what I needed, and for now, I’ve been completely back to normal. Ultimately, I’m relearning how important rest is and how good it feels to be without obligations or worries, just for a little while.

I’m still finding the magic every single day. I hope you are too.

I am already working on a post with my best tips and tricks on managing anxiety, something I always knew I would want to talk about on here, but that did not feel as relevant when I wasn’t actively struggling. Now that I am, it feels like the perfect opportunity to rediscover all of my proven strategies and in the process maybe help some of you who are struggling, too.

I love you all so so much.

Linking up with Amanda for Thinking Out Loud

 

No questions, just your thoughts