20 Lessons Learned by 20

Hi hi hello! Happy Valentine’s Day! Are y’all celebrating? I am very single this year, just like every Valentine’s Day before this one LOL, but I never mind because Valentine’s Day also happens to be my birthday!

You guys, I’m actually 20.

I’m still not sure it’s sunk in that I am no longer a teenager and that I have been alive for two whole decades. That first part really boggles my mind because I think being a teenager has been such a core part of my identity for the past 7 years that it’s REALLY hard to extricate myself from that. Although I’m quite glad to be past some aspects of adolescence (ahem, raging hormones and acne), I think I’ll really miss those years. I feel like the twenties (oh my god, I’m in my TWENTIES, what!) are a time of fun and self-exploration and like the better version of the teen years, but in some ways, there’s something nice about the sweet innocence of adolescence. Plus I feel like you can get away with more when you’re a teenager. Oh, and no one calls you an adult. Or ma’am. Seriously, I’m never gonna be okay with that. :p

So as you know, I’m really big on reflection and looking back at some larger lessons learned over a period of time. So I thought seeing as how I am not only turning a year older, but also a decade and a whole new age group older, this is the perfect opportunity to look back at the major lessons I’ve learned so far in my life. Twenty of them, in fact. So go on and pour yourself some coffee, grab a peanut butter cup, and let’s chat.

Don’t look into peoples windows

This is actually one of the mantras I have used in my own life for many years now. I think it’s this statement alone that keeps me out of the comparison trap. It’s just, I’ve seen so many instances of people who seem like everything in their life is perfect on the outside, but on the inside they are slowly unraveling. Nothing and no one is ever perfect, and remembering that we all have our demons and challenges is paramount to not letting yourself feel badly about yourself just because someone has something you think you want.

With Instagram, especially, I’m always careful to separate someone’s feed from my perception of them as a person. Oftentimes, I see some perfect-looking Instagram of a married couple who is literally straight #goals. And yes, maybe they are soulmates and have the most perfect relationship, but what you don’t see on Instagram is the fights, the disagreements, the painful moments that happen in every single partnership. So just don’t make assumptions, and don’t look into people’s windows.

Your journey is only yours

Aw man, I think this is something I’m still learning as I go. For me, this one mostly refers to the disconnect between people’s expectations of me versus what I know is right for me. When I was about to go off to college, my mom and I had quite a few disagreements about what school and major I should go for. As my mom, she wanted me to go for something stable and well-established, like business or law, but I knew I craved the freedom and breadth of a liberal arts education.

I won’t pretend her comments didn’t faze me. Sometimes I get so scared that all these dreams I have brewing around inside won’t actually come to fruition, and I’ll just be the foolish one who blew her chance at success because she dreamed too high. But this lesson reminds me that I am exactly where I need to be, and as long as I keep living my life authentically and purposefully, always checking in with what my heart wants, I will be just fine.

The best things happen when you take a risk or do something out of your comfort zone

Oh man. I learned this hardcore the summer after senior year of high school. Throughout high school, I’d mostly played it safe. I did what was comfortable, what I knew would result in a positive outcome. I was terrified to be vulnerable, to open myself up to pain of any kind. This led to me closing myself off from certain people who wanted nothing more than to get closer to me.

By the end of senior year, I just thought, life is too damn short to not take the risk, and the magic happens outside my comfort zone. So I finally allowed someone into my heart, with zero expectations or fears, and I ended up having the best, sweetest, most perfect summer.

Always have something to look forward to

This was MAJOR for me in high school, and it remains so important now in college. I suspect this is a lesson I will keep with me throughout my life. It is SO easy to let the mundaneness drag you down and put you into a funk. When I had never-ending schoolwork and was always busy busy in school, it always helped to either be looking forward to some plans I made with friends on the weekends, or something bigger like a vacation on the horizon.

I think there is always a way to add some excitement to your life, be it a weekend getaway, exploring a totally new part of the city, trying a trendy new restaurant, or taking a liberating drive with no destination in mind. Looking forward to something makes me so much more motivated and happy in my day-to-day life, even when I feel bogged down in the moment.

Do something every day that makes you happy.

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

This is SO important and something I only realized the value of my freshman year of college. I talked before about how freshman year was pretty hard for me, and at first, it was really hard to not fall into a downward spiral of focusing on all the things that felt wrong or uncomfortable. Midway through the year, though, I realized that my biggest tool to happiness wasn’t my circumstances or other people. It was me. I knew better than anyone what made me happy. So I focused on myself and decided to add small moments of joy to every single day.

Instead of going out and partying every weekend or hanging out with people I didn’t feel comfortable with, I added in some new hobbies that truly fulfilled me. I started my blog, reconnected with my guitar, and spent a lot of solo time just doing my own thing. Perfecting my coffee order and finding my favorite cuppas in the city, trying new brunch spots with friends, going for walks on the waterfront, and singing LOUD in the (communal) showers. It’s the little things.

Don’t do things that make you unhappy

Of course I mean this within reason. Like, you gotta do your taxes and clean your bathrooms, even if those things don’t necessarily  make you super happy. :p

But what I mean by this one is, so many people spend far too much of their time doing things they feel they’re “supposed to do” or things they’re told to do. That’s not the way to lead your most authentic life. Maybe it’s a job that drains you, or friends who make you feel less than, or the hobby you’ve had for years just isn’t fulfilling you anymore. There is nothing wrong with letting things go that no longer serve you. We are constantly evolving, constantly moving forward, and that means some level of pruning is necessary to make sure we are being true to ourselves.

Over the years, I’ve let go of certain things that just stopped serving me– certain friendships, my dance classes, art classes, etc. (I am NOT an artist, you guys)

Life is too short to not eat the cupcake

Or the slice of pizza. Or the melty chocolate chip cookie. Or the…you get the point. Seriously, when you put it into perspective, you’re not going to be proudly looking back at all the kale salads you consumed in your life while on your deathbed. You’ll be thinking about all the pleasure and fun and goodness you experienced in your life. And while eating healthy is definitely important for both physical and mental wellbeing, I think all those benefits are negated when you constantly deprive yourself of things you really want. Some foods are just really great for the soul, and I would argue that they are just as important as foods that are good for the bod. This isn’t a license to just go crazy with foods that won’t make you feel your best just in the name of pleasure, but please don’t deprive yourself if it’s something you truly want.

I used to say no to every food that didn’t “fit” with my idea of health, even when I couldn’t stop salivating as I longingly looked at it. Now, I still say no to certain pleasure foods, but only when I actually don’t want them or know my body would really benefit from some whole foods that day. But if I’m really craving a cookie, you best believe I’m gonna have the cookie. And it’s probably gonna be the best cookie in the land, too, ’cause I don’t mess around with cravings. 😉

Perfection is overrated

I have a whole post on this in regards to the perfect body, so please feel free to read it here. But apart from just physical perfection, I think one of my  biggest lessons I learned was that I can’t be perfect in anything I do. From academics to my friendships to time management to my life choices, I am bound to make mistakes because I’m human. But once I reframed those mistakes to be necessary stepping stones that were teaching me valuable lessons, I stopped fearing imperfection and discovered the beauty in it. Honestly, perfection is boring and unsustainable. Not to mention exhausting. Yes, we should strive to be the best versions of ourselves, but sometimes you just need to cancel all your plans, put on a face mask, and turn on The Office, you know?

Plus, when I stopped putting so much pressure on myself and relaxed more, I found myself doing much better in the areas of my life I’d been so fixated on before because I actually had the energy and motivation to work hard. Not for any particular goal of perfection, but just because it felt good.

Being “healthy” is a privilege and involves so many moving parts

A very important lesson that I didn’t learn until quite late. My journey of health started with extremes. I thought I had to eat ONLY the super clean foods, to work out HARD six days a week, and only then would I be “healthy.” Of course, those things only brought me farther from my goal of health, and that meant I had the long journey of figuring out what true health actually is and what it means for me.

I discovered how lucky I am to have a body that is even able to do intense workouts, and how unkind I was being to it by constantly putting it through the wringer, by under-fueling and under resting. I was not only doing too much in the realms of fitness and nutrition, but I was also neglecting the other aspects of health, like my mental health and my sleep.

Now I know that being “healthy” is so individual and for me means feeding my body with ENOUGH whole foods, moving in a way that is the perfect balance between challenging and feel-good, prioritizing sleep, and making sure my mental health is in tip-top shape by doing things that make me happy and spending time with loved ones.

Friendships are so important

Friendship is work. Every relationship is. And it isn’t always easy or simple, and it does take sacrifice. I don’t think I really learned that until college when I found myself hundreds of miles away from my closest people and then also had to forge entirely new connections in a foreign place.

I hadn’t even realized how naturally extraverted I was until I was forced to spend copious amounts of time on my own. Like I mentioned earlier, that alone time ended up being a total blessing because I had time to really work on myself and figure out what I really needed in my relationships. But I still felt in my very core that something was missing.

Once the time was right, the right people did come into my life, and I found that I was able to be even more me because they embraced who I was without my needing to change anything. It’s not always easy to balance relationships with all the other things begging for our attention; it’s far too easy to let friendships get put on the back burner when you have a busy schedule. But the truth is, your friends are the ones who will be there for you when times are hard, the ones who will tell you exactly what you need to hear when you didn’t even know you needed to hear it. So  don’t take them for granted. And remember to reciprocate as well. Friendships are two-sided, so the love you put in is the love you will receive back.

Everything happens for a reason

Cliche alert! This is probably my most said quote, and likely the one my close friends associate with me. Seriously, I say it ALL THE TIME. I am well aware that can get pretty annoying, but hear me out. I noticed a long time ago that every single thing that happens in our lives, good or bad, eventually leads to something you never expected. Most often, it is a lesson of some sort, or a new discovery, or an opportunity to grow and become stronger. One door closes; another one opens. I wholeheartedly believe that. Whenever things would fall through for myself or those around me, I would always notice that something even better would come along instead. Plus when you start looking at adverse events as lessons and tools for growth, instead of as punishments from the universe, you’ll find you’re much more able to bounce back quickly. We all are challenged sometimes; what matters is our attitude in facing those challenges.

Prioritize sleep

Sleep, rest, lying around and watching Netflix. You get the point. I used to be so go go go all the time, basically never allowing myself to just C-H-I-L-L. I thought if I was constantly “being productive,” I would get everything done, and nothing would ever go wrong and…there’s that whole perfection thing again, huh?

See, the thing I missed was that I am not a robot, and I can’t expect to work nonstop and never burn out. So burn out I did, and it ended up being such a valuable lesson.

I think this applies in so many areas of my life. With my workouts, I realized that more was definitely not better, and that my daily intense workouts were actually starting to do more harm than good. So I dialed it back and introduced more yoga and rest days. And in terms of my academic and social life, once I began to take more breaks and prioritize sleep and rest, I was able to be so much more present and truly productive and motivated in everything I did.

You can’t expect to run on an empty tank and have it go smoothly. When you let yourself rest, you will be so much more efficient. You’ll be more fun to be around because you’ll actually be in a good mood. You’ll just feel so much better than when you’re constantly exhausted. And when you feel good, it’s so much easier to be a badass boss.

If you have a goal, all it takes is some dedication, courage, and one first step. Nothing is impossible.

Never give up on your dreams. Maybe it’s naive of me to say (I’m only 20 after all), but I really do believe that every goal your mind can dream up that is something you truly want in your heart of hearts is achievable. No it’s not always easy, and the path is not always clear, but I think if you are willing to put in the work, you’ll be amazed at what you are actually capable of.

Case in point: this blog. I’ve talked about wanting to start a blog for about 3 years before actually going ahead and purchasing the domain. I had a lot of things holding me back, self-doubt about whether I was a good enough writer, whether I had anything new or interesting to say, whether anyone would read. For a long time, it kind of felt like a far-off distant possibility. But when the time was right, and I felt a strong urge to finally start, I decided to take that first step. I purchased the domain. And then I did copious amounts of research. And then I just started writing. And all of a sudden, I had a real blog that people were actually finding and reading. All because I didn’t let my fear of the unknown or my own insecurities hold me back.

Be kind to everyone. You never know what someone is going through

I think this one is so important to remember. I’m always appalled when I see someone being mean for no reason at all. Like, why? Would it be so hard to just be polite or give a small smile? But it is what it is; there are some not so nice people in this world, and what I learned is all I can really control is how I act and react toward them.

My rule of thumb is to just be nice (unless of course someone is being blatantly belligerent or disrespectful to my friends; then, hold my earrings). Sometimes people really do have their own issues they’re dealing with, and they don’t mean to be unkind. But honestly, especially when it’s a stranger or someone you’ll never see again, it takes much less energy to just let some minor annoyances go instead of picking a fight. You’ll be happier for it and probably forget about it much faster than if you respond negatively.

Live your life with authenticity and purpose

Do you. It’s your life. Never change yourself for others.

So I’ve always been VERY into Harry Potter. And by this point, EVERYONE who knows me knows this. I mean you guys absolutely know this. But I feel like I really embraced that part of me and started to display it proudly to others only by the end of high school.

Same with my interest in health and fitness. Everyone in high school knew me as “the healthy girl,” but it wasn’t until I started Laughing My Abs Off, and actually shared it with the people in my life, that I really fully showed this aspect of myself.

It wasn’t necessarily that I was ashamed of these things; I just kept them to myself because I guess I wasn’t sure how people would perceive me because of them.

Now, my main goal in life is to be authentically me. To let my heart be the guiding light in everything I choose to do. I feel like when I let myself truly do what I wanted to do and what felt right, everything fell into place. I felt like I had a solid purpose, and though I don’t necessarily know where all of my decisions will lead me, I know they are all coming from my heart.

Which leads me to my next point…

Don’t let anyone change you

I’m grateful that I learned this and internalized it quite early on, right around 5th grade. I remember trying to join this clique of girls, and the initiation involved doing a bunch of low-key mean things to other people in the class, wearing specific colors on specific days of the week, and other ridiculous stuff like that. LOL seriously, you couldn’t pay me enough to go back to 5th grade.

And I went along with it all because I wanted to fit in and to be one of the “popular” girls, until one day, I was like, “wait hold up, what the heck am I doing?” This wasn’t me; I didn’t even really WANT to be friends with those girls who were so cruel to everyone who wasn’t in with them. I applaud younger Nicole for being able to discern who her real friends were at such a young age.

But seriously, once I broke away from that group, I decided once and for all to never change myself for anyone. This goes hand in hand with always being authentically me. See the thing is, there is no use in being embarrassed about something that makes you you. Because if someone is judging you, you probably don’t want them in your life, which means their opinion really doesn’t matter.

People aren’t judging your every move and if they are, they’re not worth concerning yourself about

I swear I don’t get embarrassed anymore. Like I have had so many cringe-worthy moments in my life thus far that at this point I’m immune, and I think the reason I don’t really mind is I just find them really funny. I have absolutely no problem laughing at myself or admitting that I just did or said something totally ridiculous.

I think being weird is great, and being normal is way overrated. I’ll take being weird over being normal every day. See, we’re all weird in some way; some of us just hide it better than others. But I say, stop hiding it. Let the weird out! Yes, you’ll get some looks, but those are the people who are probably secretly jealous because you’re brave enough to be weird and they aren’t 😉

And its only by being your true self, bravely and unapologetically, that you will attract the right people to your light, people who will be like, “Hey that girl’s super weird, and I totally dig it.”

Not everyone will like you, but the right people will accept every part of you

Along those same lines, it took me a while to really accept the fact that I wasn’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea. Whether someone likes you or not is, for better or worse, not entirely up to you. You could be super nice to someone, and they’ll think you’re fake. Or you could be just genuinely happy, and they’ll think you’re annoying. Not everyone will like you. But here’s the thing, you don’t need everyone to like you because you likely don’t like everyone. You feel? Focus on the people you really do like, and if you guys are meant to be friends, that will happen without you having to force anything or change anything about yourself.

Keep your child self within and beside you always

A few days ago, I ordered myself four children’s literature books as a birthday present to myself. And it made me so excited! You know, for a long time I thought I was past the age where it was socially acceptable to read children’s books. Though I’d always loved the adventure and excitement of those tales, I thought I now needed to turn to more serious literature. Which only made me start reading much less and just not enjoy it as much. I used to read for HOURS. I could pore over a book without pausing until I finished. (It took me about 2 days to read the last Harry Potter book).

But I read Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project recently, which I totally recommend, and she talked about how she’d always loved children’s literature and actually started a kid lit book club with some friends. Which was kind of a huge wake up call for me because I realized, hey, there are definitely adults out there who read and love children’s literature and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. So from now on, I’m going to be happily diving into some magical worlds, and I’ll keep you all updated on that. 🙂

You guys, I’m a total kid at heart. It’s interesting because I’ve always been quite mature for my age, and I was told of my sage like wisdom from the age of, like, 10. But those who know me well know I’m still a child. Like it boggles my mind that I am twenty. I get super giddy about tiny things that make me happy, I laugh A LOT and am super easily amused, Harry Potter is my everything, and I definitely still believe in magic…

Always believe in magic

I’m ending with my favorite one. One of my favorite quotes from Harry Potter is, “Of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean it’s not real?”

That quote is basically how I look at life. I add sprinkles of magic to every single day, whether it be calling my coffee Felix Felicis or adorning my room with all kinds of HP merch, or really pausing to notice the tiny coincidences, random moments of happiness, and serendipity that occur on a daily basis and are far too often overlooked. The world really is a magical place; yes, it can be challenging and dark, but it’s also full of magic that’s right there for you if you just look hard enough.

My belief in magic has definitely evolved as I’ve grown, from witchcraft and spells to the more abstract view I have now. I learned that as long as I keep this magic close, keep believing that everything is possible (“if you’ve got enough nerve”), and that the world is full of infinite possibilities, life is just so much sweeter.

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Thank you for sticking with me as I spewed all the lessons I’ve learned so far in my 20 years. I hope they resonated, or maybe inspired you to make a change in some aspect of your life. I’m excited for what this new decade will bring, and I’m so happy I’ll have you all along for the ride with me. Thank you for giving me the space to be me. <3

Linking up with Amanda for Thinking Out Loud!

No questions. Just your thoughts 🙂