Wow, we’ve made it. The very last day of this unforgettable, strange, and intense year. I like to finish every year with a little recap and reflection post here on the blog, but it never has it felt as necessary as this year. I think for most of us, many of the changes that occurred this year have been internal, rather than external. While on the outside, it was a thoroughly uneventful year with each day and month blending into the next, it was a never-ending rollercoaster on the inside. I think this year showed all of us some sides of ourselves we hadn’t seen before, and I know we are all going into 2021 changed. I’m feeling hopeful and excited for the new year, but before we go there, I have to give 2020 its due diligence. For all its trials and tribulations, it’s brought magic too, and all transformation requires reflection and integration.

So without further ado, let’s jump into some of the main lessons I’ve learned this year.

Lessons of 2020

 

A Lesson in Finding Comfort Within

One thing this year has taught me is how simple comfort can be. I’ve always derived a lot of pleasure from the simple little things that bring me joy (as you’ll know if you’ve read this blog for any length of time), but this year has especially shown me how immeasurable the toolbox I hold within is. The first half of the year felt a bit like survival mode, emotionally speaking. I felt broken and angry, lashing out at the world for taking away the things I needed more than ever. I resisted my reality, unable to accept all the sudden shifts that had occurred in my life without any warning. The things I yearned to do that I knew would lift me out of the dark spell were impossible, due to the necessary rules and precautions we all had to take. The things that were possible, that normally brought me some comfort in past times, felt somehow drab and flavorless. It was a heavy dark time, and I’m sure many of you can relate. Yet, of course, there was a gift there too, that only became clear to me with time When the things I used to rely on to lift me out of dark places no longer worked, I had to bring it back to basics. And I learned how truly simple authentic self-care is. How it’s not about the laundry list of pampering activities, or even about doing things you love, but that it can be as simple as holding yourself when you feel like you are falling apart.

I learned to use my breath in a conscious way to move stagnant energy out of my body, to renew, to heal. I began to notice the nuances of my body and the subtle messages it sends me constantly that I’d never known to pay attention to before.

I began to approach my yoga practice from a totally different angle, as a way to integrate and connect with my body and breath, and my mat often felt more like home than any other physical place I could pinpoint. I learned to find comfort in gentle movement and how to tend to my emotional body using my physical body. I discovered that when my heart feels closed and vulnerable, and I just can’t seem to relax enough to open it, a heart-opening yoga flow will signal to my body that it is safe to uncurl. Or if I am experiencing numbness, where I know I am holding stagnant emotions inside me that I can’t seem to let go of, sometimes all it takes is a few hip-opener asanas, and I am suddenly sitting on my mat and bawling, basking in the sweet release.

Music, particularly signing and playing guitar, became an escape that brought me deeper inward than anything. I can never access my emotions quite as potently as when I lose myself in music.

The core of this lesson is that, contrary to what I used to believe, I don’t actually need anything outside myself to feel okay. Obviously many of the external things I tend to rely on are still important and can be extremely powerful, but it’s deeply empowering to know that at the end of the day, I have all I need inside me.

I’ve noticed that this shift has made me significantly less uncomfortable with all the uncertainty regarding the future. There’s just something comforting about the fact that no matter where I go, or what happens, or what challenges or joys come up, I know how to give myself what I need. And I think that’s something I will carry with me for life.

A Lesson in Presence

I think I’ve taken great strides in this department this year, and yet I still have a long ways to go. The last time I felt that I got to a similar level of comfort with presence was two years ago, when I went abroad to Edinburgh, but I realize now that being present when you can lose yourself in your surroundings and external environment is a totally different ball game than being present when the only place to go is within.

I spent a lot of time in silence in Edinburgh, but I was hardly still. I was constantly moving, constantly exploring, constantly exposing myself to new unbelievable experiences that kept my mind engaged and happy.

In many ways, this year has felt like the opposite. After March, there was pretty much zero external distractions to capture my attention. We hunkered down at home and did our best to stay safe and smart, which meant putting a hiatus on any fun travel plans or big adventures. This also meant I had an unprecedented opportunity to go inward. More than ever before, I embraced my meditation practice, intuitive work, and various different modalities like breath work, tarot, and mind-body movement. I stopped running from my own company by filling every free quiet moment with busywork or scrolling, and instead I began to enjoy it again. I felt like I got to know myself in a way I never had before, in a raw unfiltered way that was not seen through the lens of other people or through my accomplishments, but just as I really am.

Learning to stay present with the full gamut of emotions and really feeling them both in my emotional body and physical body has been transformative. I’ve begun to notice telltale signs in my body when something feels right and when something feels very wrong, the tightening and constricting versus the expansion and opening. I’ve also become much more curious and less fearful of sensations and emotions I’d previously labeled as negative, which has allowed me to fully BE in them, and has in turn allowed them to lift much faster than when I resisted them.

A Lesson in Totality

One thing I’ve been steadily integrating over this year is the idea of of totality, meaning looking at every experience or feeling or thought as an integral part of a larger whole instead of separating them into good and bad and trying to eliminate the bad.

I used to shun negative emotions and thought the goal of personal growth was to reach a place of constant everlasting joy. And maybe that is the ultimate goal, if we’re talking about enlightenment, but that doesn’t just happen. And ignoring your feelings or convincing yourself you’re okay when hard things happen can easily cross over into toxic spirituality, or spiritual bypassing.

This year, I cried more than ever before. There were some days when I would just be crying on and off throughout the day, without being able to pinpoint an exact reason. I used to resist tears; I guess part of me thought that being strong meant acting like I was fine when I wasn’t, or maybe I was scared that if I allowed myself to cry, I would dig myself into a hole so deep I’d never be able to claw myself out. And yet something shifted this year.  For the first time I allowed myself to not be okay, and I hadn’t even realized how much I needed that permission. For so long I’d clung to this idea that I needed to always be the one who had it together, who uplifted others, who always had a positive mindset. And there were points this year when things just…sucked. Just plain sucked. And when I allowed myself to feel the full suckiness of it all, to bask in the suckiness even, to listen to sad music as I went on sad walks, to crawl into bed in the middle of the day and scream into my pillow, to allow myself to feel all my feelings fully without worrying that they would engulf me or swallow me whole…they lifted. But it was only through feeling the totality of all my emotions that I could truly move through them.

In the spiritual community, this integration of totality is also known as shadow work, basically taking the shadow parts of your soul and shining a light on them and allowing them to be there fully. By accepting them and becoming aware of them, you can free yourself of being unconsciously affected by them.

I’ve learned first and foremost that I can handle feeling ALL my feelings, that my heart is built to withstand much more than I think and that by allowing it to weather all its storms, I am helping it grow stronger.

I realize now that part of being human is feeling uncomfortable feelings sometimes. Working through those, with compassion and loving awareness, is what makes us better and stronger.

A Lesson in Relationships

To be honest, I’m a bit abashed to admit that I totally thought I was all good on the relationship front until this year hit. Not only was I always a people person who valued communication and connection, but numerous relationship Psychology classes in college had taught me the do’s and don’ts of building and maintaining healthy relationships. Turns out, I had a LOT to learn.

This year has dealt me some deep lessons on relationships, both familial and romantic.

Let’s start with the latter. I haven’t talked about this too much on the blog, but I met my boyfriend in January of 2020, and we began dating in early February. By early March, when we all went home for that fateful spring break (that ended up marking the end of our college life as we knew it), we had already talked about the future and how we both wanted each other in it. Of course, all that future talk was about what would happen after I graduated (he’s a year younger), not about what would happen if a pandemic forced us to be on opposite sides of the country for an indefinite amount of time. Still, knowing how serious each of us was about the other meant that starting a long distance relationship was a no-brainer. I’d always said I never wanted to do long distance, but with him, I didn’t really think twice. Has it been hard? Yes and no. It’s hard not knowing an end date to the separation and to feel so totally powerless in changing the situation. But it’s also really easy because I have never once doubted that this is the right thing. Throughout all the darkness and tough points this year, he’s been a constant source of happiness and magic, and I really don’t know how I would have handled the events of this year without his love and support.

That being said, it turns out that reading about romantic relationships and learning about them in the classroom can give you some great tools to improve a relationship, but it does not prepare you for all the inner work and individual growth it brings up. Before I met Alex, I felt sure that I had done all the inner work to be fully ready for a romantic relationship. And in some ways, I really had. I was no longer terrified of vulnerability, and I had done a whole lot of unlearning and healing of old wounds around abandonment and equating love with hurt. And while the first couple months together felt quite literally like floating on clouds and pure heaven, the abrupt transition to long distance coupled with the emotional turmoil of watching your life as you know it totally upturn brought up a whole lot of unexpected things. I discovered that a serious romantic relationship is the biggest catalyst for personal growth I’d ever come across because it is the place you are (hopefully) most seen, most vulnerable, and most yourself. In it, you come face to face with your triggers, your fears, your anxieties that you never realized you held. It also means that most of the time, negative feelings that crop up in a relationship have much more to do with you and your inner state than with your partner’s. I’ve learned over time to dig deeper into surface-level feelings and question where they could be coming from and what they might be shining a light on.

The lesson is quite similar on the familial front. This year, I had to unexpectedly move back home with my mom in March. At the same time, my mom’s job became fully remote, which means for the first time EVER, my mom and I were together in one space 24/7. Now I love my mom so much, but we don’t always see eye to eye on everything. Because we have clashing personalities and are both quite strong-willed, we found ourselves fighting more than ever before. There was a riftsteadily widening between us, and I could see no way out. Both of us felt misunderstood and slighted by the other; resentment was building with each passing day; and it was easier to avoid difficult conversations and just coexist than to open a whole can of worms. We finally reached a breaking point this fall when we realized we couldn’t keep going like this; it felt like living in a pressure cooker, and the heaviness in the air was inescapable.

So we sat down, lay down all our armor, and just talked to each other. And for the first time, there was no interrupting or assuming or misunderstanding. We each just listened and asked questions and finally began to see the other’s point of view. We realized that both of us were going through it this year, and that all each of us needed was a listening ear and the space to be ourselves. Because we’d never actually voiced our needs in a clear coherent way to each other before, we couldn’t fulfill them, and so each person constantly felt unseen and misunderstood. Also, just as in the romantic relationships, the things each of us felt frustrated with the other about had a whole lot more to do with our internal frustrations either with ourselves or the overall situation. We just kept projecting those feelings onto one another because we failed to address them in ourselves first.

So my biggest lesson in this field? All relationships, but particularly your closest ones, are a mirror that will show you the good, bad, and ugly sides of you. This makes relationships an unparalleled expedient for deep personal growth, as long as you remain honest with yourself, are willing to put in the necessary work, and always prioritize compassion and communication.

A Lesson in Joy

I’ve written many posts on here, especially recently, about reconnecting with my joy and orienting myself using joy as a compass. It’s still something I’m working on, but I know this is one of the most important lessons of my life.

I was watching the Disney Plus folklore studio recordings recently, and something Taylor Swift said really stuck out to me (no surprise there: I think Taylor has been behind many of my major life epiphanies over the years). She said that the ideas and inspiration for folklore really came out of the books she was reading and the movies she was watching every day in quarantine. She fed herself with stories until they began to materialize in new forms in her mind, urging her to birth them. And isn’t that creativity at its best?

Watching movies and reading books have always been sources of deep joy for me, and yet for some reason I never could bring myself to just fully enjoy them with no strings attached. I allowed myself these simple pleasures on specific days or on specific times of the day (for some reason, I felt the need to bulk up the body of my day with “productive work” and only allow myself to bookend with joyful things, like books, movies, or my guitar.) Because I’d always learned that was “the right way” to do things.

I’d been expecting so much of myself, in terms of finding a job right after graduation in a tanked economy, in terms of maximizing my creative output, in terms of holding myself together and acting okay when I wasn’t. It didn’t occur to me that by constantly doing, by resisting the things my heart was gently urging me toward, by consistently not prioritizing joy, I was actually sabotaging myself.

I feel like the universe has been consistently sending me the message this year to lean into joy, to reconnect with what feels really good, to minimize, to simplify. For much of this year, I found this exceedingly challenging to do. I had to do a lot of unraveling and unlearning to really embrace this new way of being.

I realized that where I went wrong is when I began to put tremendous pressure on the things that bring me joy and letting my fears, doubts, and insecurities get in the way of something pure. I realized that when I let go of all the expectations and did things just because they felt fun, they flowed so much more smoothly, and the results I was hoping for came so much more effortlessly. In fact, the outcome would be better than it ever could have been if I had been forcing and churning my way to it.

I’m slowly learning to trust my joy, to trust that I can loosen my iron grip on the steering wheel, and just let joy drive. I’m learning that discipline is important, but not when it comes at the expense of compassion. And that really, discipline is only really beneficial when you know you are holding yourself back from something your soul is calling you toward out of fear, and you need that extra push to follow your dreams.

I’m learning to stop putting so much pressure and expectations on my joy. My hopes, dreams, and aspirations are all out there, well-known to the universe. All I can do now is do my part of staying true to what my heart calls me to and trust that all is coming.

 

Favorites of 2020

I always love sharing my current favorites with you guys (hello, Joyful Eats posts) both because it brings me great joy to share something I love with you guys, but also because I love the idea of having a permanent reminder of what I really loved at one point in time. So I went ahead and went through all my favorites posts of the year and compiled the best of the best, the things that really stuck out and that I definitely don’t want to forget going into the new year. Some of these will likely be familiar because I’ve talked about them more than once, but I can say that all of these have left a positive mark on my year, and I’d love to know if you try and enjoy any of them. We’ve got food and drink, movement, books, music, and miscellaneous. Let’s jump in, shall we?

Food & Drink

The largest category of all. All these recipes have gone down in the books as my all-time faves this year, and I couldn’t recommend them enough!

No Yeast Crusty Bread – This pandemic has become synonymous with bread-baking. And while I still haven’t tried my luck with real yeast bread, I discovered this incredible recipe in early spring and have made it countless times since. This recipe is so easy, basically foolproof, and tastes like the most legit bakery bread. The perfect vehicle for avocado mash, smoked salmon, butter, or the classic PB & J.

Banana Bread – For years, I held onto this banana bread recipe as my all-time favorite recipe. I really love healthier quick bread recipes because I love having them for breakfast and don’t necessarily want the sugar crash that happens with most traditional recipes. However, not all healthy quick breads are created equal, and I have tried my fair share from all across the web. That being said, this almond flour banana bread totally shocked me with how incredible it was, and it now holds the first place title right next to my go-to CCK recipe. Oh, and in my book, chocolate chips are ALWAYS non-optional in banana bread.

Gluten Free Vegan Monkey Bread – This bread is SO GOOD. It’s actually been quite a while since I’ve baked it, but I am including it on this list because it is 100% one of the best things to come out of my oven this year, makes for a fantabulous breakfast with coffee, and I have very fond memories of enjoying it on our little outdoor dining balcony setup in the summer. 🙂

Pancakes – I think I could happily subsist on just pancakes and coffee forever. This year, I really leaned into my love for pancakes and made them not just a special weekend occurrence, but more like a 3x weekly occurrence. I LOVE having pancakes in the middle of the week because it instantly makes the day feel like a weekend. As with my banana bread, I do prefer healthier pancake recipes and am also quite picky with the ones I actually add to my list of favorites. This year, these are the pancakes that have made many-time appearances in our brunches and that I’ve set aside as the tried and true: Pumpkin Oatmeal Pancakes, Outrageously Fluffy Pancakes, Greek Yogurt Pancakes, Green Smoothie Pancakes & Zucchini Bread Pancakes.

Tuna Noodle Casserole – I love when I make a recipe, and it totally blows my expectations out of the water. I’ll be honest, the sound of tuna noodle casserole never really appealed to me in the past. I didn’t really see how pasta and tuna could go together, and I imagined a mushy fishy mess and a big waste of pasta. But when Monique posted this recipe, I felt called to try it out (call it divine interference) because she hasn’t disappointed me yet, and this felt as good a year as any to try new things. And I LOVED IT. Obviously, I’m including it on this list for a reason, and just trust me, this is one of those recipes that will become a go-to for an easy comfort meal dinner (with lots of leftovers) or to impress guests.

Best Black Bean Burgers – I’m always on the hunt for delicious plant-based burgers, and these are hands down the best I’ve ever made. They come together so quickly and don’t require a bunch of crazy ingredients; you likely have everything in your pantry now! Definitely a keeper.

Best Ever Lightened Up Cheesecake – Instantly made it into the books for one of the BEST recipes I’ve ever made. I was so so pleased with this cheesecake, and honestly my mom and I both agreed it was the best cheesecake we’d ever tasted (and we’re from New York!). I did strawberries instead of blueberries for the topper, and it was delightful!

Best Oatmeal (Raisin or Chocolate Chip) Cookies – I’ve tested these cookies with both raisins and chocolate chips, and yep, they’re the best. A recipe that makes all other oatmeal cookie recipes obsolete.

Best Cinnamon Rolls – Not the first year I’m making these and not the last. I love the tradition of making these every Christmas Day morning, and I think I’ll keep it 🙂 Not much to say other than these truly are the best ever cinnamon rolls, and I promise you can bake them! 🙂

Berry Streusel Muffins with Cream Cheese Filling – A recipe to nourish the soul. And without a doubt one of the best things to come out of my oven EVER and easily one of the best muffins I’ve ever eaten. Adore this recipe. I usually just use blueberries.

Puppy Chow – Ah, the quarantine dessert of Nicole’s kitchen! LOL I can’t even tell you how many batches of puppy chow I have made (and quickly demolished) in 2020. I absolutely love having this ready in the freezer for a quick snack or anytime dessert that is always uber-satisfying (and just a little dangerous). Also, if you so choose, you can totally reduce the amount of powdered sugar by about 1/2 – 3/4 cup with no detriment to the recipe!

French Press Coffee – Not a recipe but I just wanted to give a little shout-out to the liquid gold that brought me so much joy this year. I don’t think I ever used my French Press as much as I did this year, and I really loved having a few bags of my favorite coffee beans on hand to rotate through. The best part is I got beans from some of my favorite NYC coffeeshops (like Birch and Devocion), so I could always get a taste of them even when I couldn’t physically go and hang out there.  I also think there’s something about the ritual of making your favorite beverage (be it coffee, tea, matcha, turmeric latte, etc.) that is so satisfying and relaxing. Love.

 

Movement

In addition to this list, I am still a humongous fan of Fitness Blender and Blogilates, but I think you guys already know that since those have been very much parts of my life for over 5 years now.

Gayatri Yoga – This is a yoga channel I discovered this year, and it is without a doubt my favorite movement discovery of the year. Kristina is a MASTER at making simultaneously challenging, relaxing, and super engaging power yoga flows. These have gotten me out of my head and into my body like NOTHING ELSE, and I swear I can credit her power yogas for helping me integrate many of the lessons I talked about above. This is absolutely one of my favorite modes of movement and something I intend to continue to incorporate into my weekly workout regimen. It’s truly magic for the body, mind, and soul.

Yoga with Adriene – This is not at all a new discovery, but I couldn’t not mention Adriene here because these yoga flows have also brought me so much peace and magic in some difficult times. The cool thing about her channel is that she has so many videos for all manner of situations that you can type in pretty much anything you can think of (yoga for stress, yoga for anxiety, yoga for opening your heart, yoga for softening, yoga for new beginnings) and there will be a flow for it that will somehow be exactly what you need in that moment. I always feel so held and supported when doing her routines, and it’s my favorite way to give my body gentle movement when it needs a little extra love or when my heart feels like it needs a little extra support. I’d like to highlight the 30-day series she posted last January that is prophetically and very aptly named Home, and is essentially 30 days of yoga (all for free on Youtube) that are designed to help you find home within. You can imagine I’ve gone through this series countless times this year, and it’s truly done wonders for me.

Dance Parties – This is the year I’ve incorporated dance parties into my weekly workout schedule, and let me tell you, I am never going back. Why I never thought to simply turn on some bangers and shake it all out before, I don’t know, but this year was certainly an appropriate one to start. I’ve shared this before, but this is my personal playlist that I always use for my dance parties, and it’s pretty bomb if I do say so myself. Lemme know if you try it! I can tell you that dancing like a total loon in your room with the blinds drawn, not caring at all how you look, does absolute wonders for your mental state and can lift even the most persistent funks.

 

Books

The Big Leap – A book that I was suddenly seeing EVERYWHERE I looked, which is my cue to acknowledge the universe’s nudges and finally get my hands on it. Such an unbelievably refreshing perspective, and I know it’s a book I will return to again and again. The spark notes version: we humans unconsciously place ceilings on how successful, wealthy, or happy we allow ourselves to be. When we approach this limit, we subconsciously begin sabotaging ourselves so we can stay in our comfort zone. Trust me, you won’t regret this quick and powerful read.

Big Magic – This was my second time reading this gem by my beloved Elizabeth Gilbert, but I had to include it because it just had such a tremendous effect on my creativity practice this year and generally how I’ve been thinking about joy. It’s all about nurturing the creativity that each and every one of us has within by letting it guide us, rather than trying to force it into being or putting too much pressure on it. A must-read for anyone who wishes to lead a more creative life or is feeling uninspired/in a creative funk.

Untamed – BEST BOOK I READ THIS YEAR. It’s rare that I read a book, only to immediately reread it (I think I’ve only done this three times in my life), but this was one of those times. I can’t really describe this one, other than to say that I believe everyone needs to read it. Even if not all of it will resonate, I guarantee you that a part of it will. This is a book that calls you to be your fullest, fiercest, realest self and stop letting yourself be caged by other’s or your own detrimental ideas or expectations.

Music

Folklore & Evermore – I’ve always been and always will be a Taylor Swift fan, but these albums are my absolute favorites that she has come out with since the Fearless days. Especially evermore. I don’t think I can think of music that more perfectly encapsulates 2020 and all the ups and downs, heaviness, darkness, and simultaneously light and gratitude that define this year.

Bigger Love – The album that made me a John Legend fan. I think I’ve listened to this upwards of 200 times this year. It’s basically an album all about real, true love, and what’s more uplifting that that?

Kid Krow – I loved this album from the moment I listened, and it made me an unapologetic Conan Gray fangirl. I think I spent two months watching any and all interviews, vlogs, and music videos that he was in because I just loved his vibe so much. I’ve since calmed down, but this album is still damn good.

Manic – Like Bigger Love, this was an album that instantly and unexpectedly made me a huge fan of the artist. I never really connected with Halsey’s songs before, but something about Manic really got to me. It definitely got me in my feels more times than I can count, and i just love the storytelling in it.

AJR – Fully can credit my boyfriend with this discovery. This is one of his favorite bands, and though they’ve been around for a while and hail from NYC, I’d never heard of them until I met him. I pretty much fell in love with them as quickly as I fell in love with him. My favorite songs are Dear Winter, Turning Out, and Growing Old on Bleecker Street. They also have a new album coming out in March that I am so excited for!

 

Miscellaneous

Insight Timer  – These have been a consistent source of peace for me. I have stuck to a daily meditation practice for this entire year (obviously probably missed a couple days here and there, but it’s not about perfection), and Insight Timer has been a huge reason for that. I have pretty much used all of their offerings, from their music for when I need to focus or relax or destress to their guided meditations (my favorites are Sarah Blondin and Sam Kahn) to just the timer with timed intervals for when I want to meditate in silence. Lately, I’ve mostly been using the 10-15 minute guided meditations to start my mornings. I just search up specific key words for whatever I’m feeling that day, and I have yet to be disappointed.

Architectural Digest – This was a particularly big source of entertainment in the first half of the year. I have since watched pretty much all the celebrity house tours on this channel, and I always watch the new ones they come out with now. I absolutely adore seeing how some of my favorite celebrities live, and beautiful California homes are just very satisfying to see when you are cooped up in a small apartment in NYC hehe.

The Lively Show – Hardly the first time I mention this podcast that is absolutely my favorite podcast ever. This year, I listened to it about as much as I did when I went abroad to Edinburgh, and it was just as soothing and necessary for my soul as back then. Absolutely perfect if you want a super accessible introduction to spiritual concepts like law of attraction, manifestation, and deliberate creation. I also just love Jess’s vibe and following along with her super interesting life (she’s been traveling the world for the past 5 years and has now settled in Portugal!)

 

And that’s a wrap, you guys! I really hope you were able to get something out of this post, whether you related with some of the lessons or are excited to check out some of the favorites I mentioned. I highly encourage you to take some time today or in the coming days to reflect on this past year and set some intentions for 2021. I love you all so much and am so excited for new adventures to come. Have a wonderful New Year.

Peace out, 2020. It’s been real.