Honesty Time: What I Haven’t Told You

I was inspired to write this post by a couple blog friends’ incredible “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You” posts (hi Naomi!). I always loved reading those kinds of posts because while they sound dramatic, they are often exquisitely vulnerable and honest. And as fellow humans who just want to feel like we are not alone in our struggles, we soak that up like sponges.

However, I am not writing this post to “be vulnerable” or to do the cool thing, not at all. The reason I’m writing this post is because as I was lying in bed yesterday thinking about how I could write another motivational post for today or talk about some successes I had, something just didn’t feel right.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still consuming ALL the inspirational content and will have lots to share in tomorrow’s link-up. (Come join the party tomorrow!) But I haven’t been letting you in on all the less sexy parts of the journey. I guess it’s partly because I had trouble putting it into words myself and partly because I’m scared.

I’m the girl who usually has it together, you know? I work hard; I have a plan. I’m always laughing and sprinkling unicorn dust and wishing everyone a magical day. I’m always the optimistic one who tells people that they should trust the journey and that everything happens for a reason. I guess lately I feel a bit like a fraud. Because while I absolutely still believe in those things, I haven’t been living it myself.

I don’t know. I’m still me, but I’m feeling a shift. I still love laughing and magic and having a plan, but I also feel so lost. It’s like growing pains but I have no idea what direction I’m going to go or what to expect. It scares me. I feel a bit like I’m being pulled in different directions with all these things I want to pursue, and I just want someone to sit down with me and help me figure out what to do. And yet, I also know this is something I need to figure out on my own.

What scares me most is the uncertainty. This path I’m carving for myself, it’s built entirely on the unknown. It’s making quick decisions and knowing you have little control over what that decision will result in. It’s trusting completely in your intuition even when literally everyone and their mother is screaming in your ear that you’re doing the wrong thing. It’s choosing to do it anyway.

In the beginning of summer, I felt lost but in a different way. I felt disconnected from all the goals I’d had in the past; my brain was utterly fried from my crazy semester, and though the doer in me was insisting I figure things out and start working on something, I just couldn’t.

And then after I got some rest in Chicago and took the rest of May to breathe and figure things out, all the dreams slowly started poking their heads out, testing the waters. Is it okay to come out now, they seemed to ask. Are you ready? And I welcomed them with open arms. I jumped straight into tackling each and every one of the crazy goals that had come into my head over the past few months. I had time galore and to-do lists to please the most Type A individual, and I worked hard for hours every day, on this and that and everything.

And yet pretty soon, something felt off again. It wasn’t burnout, but it was something close. I was still feeling inspired, but I was also feeling so frustrated. Because despite all the hours I was putting in, I didn’t feel any closer to my goals. I felt unfocused, spread far too wide for comfort, like I was about to snap if I reached even an inch further in any direction. I felt like I had little to show for the hours I was spending with my computer and phone, and yet I was working hard every day.

I guess that’s kind of where I’m at now. I’m a little closer to managing it all because I’m slowly figuring out what works for me and what really doesn’t.

…waking up early to work on creative projects, yes.

…going to sleep late finishing up creative projects, no.

…having a set end time in my day to finish chipping at my to-do list, yes.

…spending my most productive and focused hours on things like Instagram and email, no.

There’s something else though. I have this slightly insane urge to go somewhere on my own, and I’m fully aware how cliche this sounds, to find myself. To adventure. I have this image of me in some beautiful peaceful location, preferably with water and/or mountains nearby, just walking and thinking. I honestly feel ridiculous even typing that, but that’s what I’ve been craving since the beginning of the summer. Yet for many reasons, that plan is unlikely to come to fruition because A) I don’t exactly have the funds for it and B) My family isn’t too big on allowing me to travel solo, even for the undoubtedly legitimate purpose of finding myself. 😉

I know I need to get realigned before I come back to Georgetown for my junior year, but I’m just not sure yet how to do that.

I need to remember how much I’ve already done and that though it may not always seem that way, I am always moving forward. Stagnation is an illusion, particularly when you are dreaming big and working hard. But I also need to figure some things out for the rest of the summer because I know it doesn’t work for me to just be grinding with my head down. I don’t want to look back on this summer and feel like I wasted these precious hot sticky days. I know I’ll be yearning for them when the school year kicks off.

So I guess this post has no real point except to say I absolutely do not have it all figured out. And if you, too, are feeling a little out of place, a little lopsided and uncertain, know that you are not alone.

I’m lost and confused and a little tired, but I’m also still me. I’m still positive and optimistic and fiercely believe in magic. And despite everything, I still believe in myself and my dreams. And though I don’t quite know what the next step is, I still trust that I am where I need to be right now and the rest, as it always does, will fall into place.

If you’ve made it to the end of this rambly post, thank you. I appreciate you more than you know.

Linking up with Amanda

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