There is something that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately, particularly as this year is drawing to a close. I have so so much gratitude for 2019, as I will for sure discuss in my usual “lessons from the year” post.
It was a year of so much magic and growth, and one of my most transformative years and certainly the most reflective. I did more introspection and hard inner work than ever before, particularly while I was abroad and had that abundance of time and space to be with my thoughts.
And if I’m being honest, there was a part of me that thought that I was “done” with that reflection and inner work and come senior year, I would be ready to jump back into the action and creation. I figured I’d done all the work to make space in my life for the new right things, so of course they were all going to come flooding in on command.
My time abroad taught me how many things I’d thought were totally imperative in my life, really weren’t. And by bringing this attitude back to campus, I was able to let go of many things this semester that I’d previously held onto with a tight grasp.
I quit a job that was no longer serving me; I chose classes that felt exciting and not soul-sucking, and I chose to be much more intentional about the people I spent time with.
And though this felt liberating and empowering at first, I reached an uncomfortable point of…emptiness. For the first time this year, I felt a lack of clarity and a disconnect from a sense of purpose. I’d gotten rid of things that weren’t serving me in my life, but I had no idea what was. Day to day, I had this uncomfortable sensation of floating, just going through life without really taking intentional action.
Much of my discomfort came from this underlying belief that I had to replace all those wrong things with right things, and I had to do it NOW. I’m realizing now, though, that maybe that’s just as toxic of a mindset as holding on to those wrong things was.
While there have certainly been some magical opportunities that have come about recently, as a direct result of my decision to make that space and tune in, there’s also been a lot of…silence. And emptiness. And confusion.
It’s felt like walking along a path that is totally shrouded in mist, so that I can’t even see where my next step will take me. And yet just as I said in this post, the only way to get to the magical castle is to keep trusting and to keep resolutely putting one foot in front of the other.
I think before when I found myself with that empty floating feeling, I would have started forcing myself into action. I would have created tasks for myself, busied myself with “important to-do’s” and generally not allowed myself the space for reflection that I so needed.
Now that I’ve consciously made the choice not to do that, all I can do is feel the discomfort that comes with not having a defense mechanism to turn to that I’d always had in the past. Feel it and breathe into it. Because I know the inspiration and action I am currently waiting for will inevitably come in due time.
If there’s anything I know for sure it’s this. I’m not perfect. I don’t have all the answers. I still numb sometimes with endless scrolling on social media because I just don’t know what else to do. I am still very much in that floating state, but now I am consciously choosing to lean into it and enjoy this season for what it is.
Just as with anything, I know this is temporary. I KNOW and trust that my purpose and passion will resurface again when the time is right. It is unrealistic to think I will always be fired up and inspired and motivated on command. For now, I’m embracing that this season of reflection isn’t over yet, that this time of “floating” is necessary to allow all the sweetness and lessons of the year to more fully sink in. I’m taking the chance to reflect on this year, to look with gratitude at all the magic I’ve experienced, and then enjoy the now.
I’m continuing to do what feels good. Currently, this looks like ultimate coziness, with warm sweaters, hot coffee, and fuzzy blankets. I am leaning into the friendships in my life that nurture me and make me feel loved and safe.
This doesn’t feel like the time to be making sweeping changes or setting anything new in motion. I have a feeling the time for that is coming, but until then, I am planting myself firmly in the here and now.
I’m not sure if anyone can relate or needs to hear this right now, but if you too are in a season of uncertainty and lack of clarity, know that I see you. I am with you. And I encourage you to lean in, breathe deeply, and trust. The time for massive action and creation is coming, and when it does, we will all look back on this slower season with gratitude.
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