My mind has been running wild recently. I don’t do well with uncertainty, and I think it’s safe to say there is nothing certain about the world we are living in now. And though anxiety is nothing new for me, it can still feel just like the first time, back when I was convinced that thinking something made it true and I lived in constant terror that all my worst fears would manifest.
The more I fought against them, begging them to leave me alone, the stronger they would seem to get. When I looked at anxiety as the enemy, it seemed to behave that way.
Anxiety can mess with your mind. It can make you question or doubt things you never would otherwise. It can instill stories in your head that make no logical sense and yet they trigger something deep inside you, making it impossible not to latch on. It can make you lose sight of who you are and leave you feeling hollow and numb.
The more I struggled against the thoughts, the more speed they seemed to gather. And it was exhausting. Holding back the tirade often felt like a full-time job, and constantly working to either seek reassurance that the thoughts aren’t true or trying to control my emotional response to the thoughts only brought short-term relief.
So I thought, if fighting this isn’t making it better, and in fact is only making me exhausted and numb, maybe I should just accept it. Which is hilarious because this isn’t exactly a new thing for me. I KNOW fighting against my anxiety only adds fuel to its fire. I KNOW my biggest breakthroughs and relief always came when I would choose to lay my armor down and surrender.
And still, this is a lesson it seems I have to learn time and time again.
I think it’s much easier to do when you’re used to dealing with one particular fear. Then it’s no big deal. You can easily recognize that this fear is in no way based in reality because it’s just one manifestation of your anxiety. When the fear comes for the thousandth time, it doesn’t have that hold on you that it did the first time.
A new fear can rock the foundation you thought was steady by attacking something you thought was bulletproof.
In fact, anxiety loves to target the things we care about most in our lives, the things our hearts attach the most meaning to, the things we most can’t bear to lose.
This is not because it’s trying to make your life a living hell, though it may feel that way sometimes. It’s simply a defense mechanism, designed to keep you safe by making sure you are prepared for all the possible situations that could arise. It’s misguided, sure, but it isn’t harmful. What’s harmful is trying to resist the anxiety and shut off your thoughts, instead of accepting that they are a part of you. Accepting it is key to taking away its power.
I know this. And yet.
Accepting my anxiety doesn’t come easily to me. I judge my own mind all the time. When anxiety comes, I will judge the thoughts that it brings with it, and then I’ll judge myself for being so affected by those thoughts and letting them take me down a rabbit hole of epic proportions. I’ll judge myself for not being “over” anxiety even though I’ve had years to deal with it.
And then I’m like, woah hold up Nicole. Would you talk like this to your best friend who came to you with this same issue? Would you say “ugh, why aren’t you over this already? Just get over yourself and stop getting so triggered!”
No I wouldn’t. I would hug them long and hard and let them vent it all out, and then I’d say, “it’s all okay.” As in, it’s all allowed. It’s all you. It’s all part of it.
So I’m doing something different and maybe a little radical. When the anxious thoughts come, and I have the urge to fight against them or reason through them or seek reassurance that they’re not true, I’ll do none of that. Instead, I’ll let them come and accept that these are just thoughts after all. By fighting against them, I am making them seem somehow bad or dangerous, which only gives them more power because I fear them more. By turning my mind into the enemy, I only feel more powerless and exhausted trying to fight it.
My mind is not the enemy; neither is my anxiety, nor my tendency to overthink. It’s all just my body’s convoluted way of keeping me protected. It’s just an act of love, after all. And isn’t that something to celebrate, not fight against?
Maybe one day I’ll get to the point where I can actively celebrate my anxiety, to raise a glass to it, to embrace it like an old friend. I’m not quite there right now. But I can choose to accept it. I can choose to stop fighting and just allow it to come when it feels the need and know that it’s only looking out for me.
Where there is uncertainty, there is also the possibility of things working out exactly the way you want them to. Where there is anxiety is something you care so deeply about that you can’t bear the thought of losing it.
Anxiety tries to convince me that everything that is uncertain is harmful, that if I don’t know for a fact what the outcome of something is I need to run as fast as I can. And I lovingly call bullshit on that.
Certainty is an illusion; nothing is certain in this life. All you can know is what feels true to you, what brings you joy, what lights you up. Don’t follow the certain; follow the true. You might fall flat on your face; you might get hurt; you might lose something you never thought you could live without. But you’ll also soar higher than you ever thought possible.
And you’ll create a life that is wild and free and beautiful and true. Infinitely better than anything the mind could have come up with. I’ll take that over safe any day.
This was such a great post! I have anxiety too and it comes out especially in romantic relationships. It’s tough to deal with but I’m going to try keep this post in mind. Thank you!
Hey Shelby! Thanks so much for your comment, and I’m glad it made you feel less alone. 🙂 And my goodness do I feel you on the romantic relationship anxiety. 100% If ever you want to chat, feel free to shoot me a DM on Instagram or an email; I feel like we’d definitely relate on some similar anxiety struggles.