What I Am Currently Struggling With (And What I’m Doing to Move Past It)

So there’s something on my mind, something that if I’m being totally honest has been weighing on me for almost as long as the pandemic has been rampant. I suspect the two are more than marginally related– not only has the pandemic overturned everything I knew in my current reality at the time, but the collective anxiety, grief, and anger that have in large part been caused or spurred on by the pandemic, have also played a role in these feelings I’m dealing with.

I think it goes without saying that this year has been…a lot.  I actually don’t want to say that it’s been a bad year (I know, is she insane??). There are certainly many bad things that have happened, but I think a better word for this year is INTENSE. Like shoving you straight into the arena with all the things you’ve been too uncomfortable to reckon with in the past and now have no choice but to face head-on. Like bringing up deep issues and wounds and showing you exactly how much work you have yet to do.

That’s not to say that it’s not also beautiful and magical and that I’m not really really grateful (because it so is and I so am), but the heaviness of this year is undeniable, and I think it’s something that is collectively weighing on all of us in a way that is often all-consuming.

How can we make plans and goals for the future when nothing at all is certain and it seems we’re all just stumbling along?

How can we possibly go above and beyond when merely doing the bare minimum seems to require so much more effort than it used to?

How can we be there for others when it seems like a Sisyphean task to keep our own heads above water?

At times it feels impossible. But I think part of the gift of this year is it’s showing us how strong we are and how much we can overcome. Plus, it’s giving us an unprecedented opportunity to dig deep and face what we have perhaps filed away to deal with later. Well, later is here, and her name is 2020.

I thought I would share a few of the main things I’ve been struggling with over the past months and what I’ve been doing to move through them. As always, take what resonates and leave the rest. My hope is always that by sharing my personal struggles, I help you feel a little less alone in yours. Because we’re never alone. This I know for certain. <3

Struggle #1: Not feeling inspired

So this is one of those that I really warred with myself on and kept trying to “fix” until I realized that this is so totally understandable when you take the above into consideration. When it often felt that 75% of my energy was spent on merely staying afloat, that left a mere 25% for things like taking care of myself, being there for my friends, boyfriend, and family, taking care of what needs to be taken care of, and Everything Else. It’s in the Everything Else that I include creativity and personal projects and inspiration.

It is REALLY hard to be creative and inspired when so much energy is needed to maintain a baseline level of okayness.

I spent a long time feeling like I was making excuses, that I couldn’t just sit around waiting for inspiration to strike, but had to go out and create it. I read The Artist’s Way, started a morning pages practice, and even worked with a creative consultant (hi Katie!). All of which worked great until the inevitable point, a couple weeks later, when I found myself unable to get out of bed for several days in a row.

I couldn’t understand why I was constantly so lethargic and drained, despite feeling like I wasn’t DOING anything. This wasn’t like those weeks in school when I would consistently get 5 hours of sleep and have 6 hours of homework every night. I was well-rested, not stressed in any obvious way, and generally had zero cause for complaining.

Yet I also felt so deeply uncomfortable. I felt annoyed and frustrated with myself, feeling sure that the problem was with me. I was not motivated enough, not disciplined enough, not driven enough. It didn’t even occur to me that maybe, just maybe, there was a lot more under the surface than was apparent. That maybe if I was someone who never in her 22 years has had much issue with motivation and hard work, except for the times when I was really struggling in other areas of my life, maybe there was something deeper going on here.

As it often happens for me, the emotional release happened suddenly and intensely.

With every unexpected crying session, it felt like I was letting go of all the trapped emotions that had been holding me back without my knowing it. I became deeply aware that I wasn’t as okay as I kept insisting to myself I was. Once I realized that, I was able to let go of the sky-high expectations I was setting on myself and start accepting where I was at.

 

So I’m trying:

• Taking the pressure off my creative pursuits to be anything more than enjoyment and playtime
• Choosing to allow instead of force
• Being more gentle and compassionate with myself
• Practicing authentic self-care and self-love (truly asking myself what feels good each day and allowing myself to do that)

This video also really helped me in remembering that creative inspiration never totally leaves, but it does ebb and flow. We just need to be open to it when it calls and be fiercely committed to following through when it beckons. And so I am.

 

Struggle #2: Feeling like I need to slow down and go inward but also feeling guilty.

I picked up on the messages my body (and the universe) were sending me pretty quickly. It seemed everywhere I looked, the messaging was all about slowing down, going inward, and embracing this collective opportunity to just stop running so dang fast and come back to what feels deeply true in your soul.

I understood that it was time to finally come face-to-face with some things I’d filed away in the past, to unlock the various compartments I had carefully tucked away over the years.

And yet I realized I had a LOT of stories in my head about really truly slowing down and getting still, mostly equating it with laziness and a waste of time. Which shocked me because on a cognitive and spiritual level, I KNOW the value of stillness. I know how eye-opening it’s always been when I’ve been forced to truly get quiet and listen to myself. Yet telling myself to do that, when I technically had other stuff to DO, proved to be exceptionally difficult.

It’s something I am very much still working on, and I am also currently writing a post diving deeper into this subject to share more about how I’m tackling this particular struggle.

So I’m trying:

I’m catching myself more and more often when I turn to something like procrastiworking or start doing various “tasks” and I ask myself if I really need to be doing this right now. Sometimes, the answer is yes and I proceed. But sometimes I recognize that tell-tale flicker of anxiety and realize this is just a coping mechanism to avoid being still with my thoughts. And then I gently coax myself out from behind the shield of work and ask myself what I truly need in that moment.

So far, what’s come up that has felt so much better than the procrastiwork has been:

• Reading my book (no matter what time of day it is)
• Journaling
• Going for a quiet solo walk
• Practicing guitar
• Moving my body

Struggle #3: Feeling like I “should” be doing more/should have accomplished more this year.

This is something I think many of us are feeling. Much of 2020 has felt more expansive than ever. As all our schedules have been forcibly pared down and simplified, it appears we should find ourselves with more time than ever before to tackle big projects and finally make strides on things we never had time for in the past.

But I don’t know if that’s what this year is truly about, at least for me. I’m not sure that all it’s meant to be is an opportunity to do more with all this extra time.

In fact, for me, it’s mostly been about learning to be okay with openness and space in my schedule and not trying to instantly fill it up. Which seems like a strange thing to have to learn, but I have a very long history of filling up all my free time with various tasks/to-do’s to get away from various tough things I don’t want to deal with.

It’s been about turning to projects that are entirely for my pleasure and not for output or for anyone else’s consumption. It’s been about learning to do things just for me, just because they’re fun, and not for any reason but that.

It’s also been about discernment.

Where before, when I was less connected with my inner truth, I could spend hours on things that didn’t really fill my soul just to fulfill that urge to be busy, I can no longer do that.

Now I crave that fulfillment that comes from doing work I feel deeply called to do. Instead of being busy for busyness sake, I want to work on something that lights me up, that feels purposeful and me.

I’m still figuring this one out.

Some days I wake up and feel alive and on fire. I get up early, am wonderfully productive, make time for joy and connection and pleasure, get a bunch of stuff done, and go to bed at a normal hour.

Other days I feel as though I am moving through quicksand. It takes me hours to get out of bed and for much of the day I find myself floating from task to task, my heart not in it and yet forcing myself to continue because I need to feel I am doing something. Those are the days I feel so lost, and that’s also when I know I need to take a long hard look at myself and step away from the constant doing.

 

So I’m trying:

More stillness, more trust, more breathing.

Leaning a little extra on those who love me and remind me every day that I am enough and am exactly where I need to be (thank you <3)

I am reminding myself to keep trusting that things will unfold in due time as they are meant to, and that I do not need to force anything into place.

I am reminding myself of the seasonality of all things and how this simply is not a season for huge steps forward. That, perhaps, it’s a season if integration, of learning and re-learning, of letting go and clearing space.

I am looking with hope to the future and thinking of everything I dream will happen, while doing my best to enjoy this time for what it is and basking in the unique gifts and opportunities of this season.

As always, please feel free to send me an email or drop a comment if any of this resonated with you or you’d like to chat. We’re all in this together, and I know we’ve got this <3

Lots of love. xx