I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the line between self-discipline and forcing yourself into something that isn’t ultimately for your highest good. I’ve noticed that sometimes they can feel strikingly similar, which can get confusing.

In this post, I talked about how the way I ultimately started to overcome the struggle of feeling a lack of purpose and feeling lost was to simply allow myself to stop doing what didn’t feel good.

I think this is a hugely important part of the puzzle when your heart is truly calling you to rest and slow down.

Yet there is another side of the coin that I found myself grappling with eventually. (Can you tell I am a MASSIVE over thinker?)

On the other side of forcing yourself into action that is not for your highest good is the self-discipline that is sometimes necessary to introduce when your heart is calling you toward something, and yet something within you holds you back from moving toward it.

Perhaps you have limiting beliefs about what you are capable of or what you deserve to have in your life. Or maybe it’s the overwhelm that comes when your goal seems so large and far away that you can’t imagine how you can possibly ever get there.

Figuring out when you need more self-discipline versus resting is a challenge.

So Where’s The Line?

The key, in my opinion, is combining self-discipline with self-compassion. Forcing is innately devoid of compassion. It certainly works, in the sense that it can yield you the results you want, but is it the most enjoyable or even most efficient path? Usually not. At least for me, everything I’ve ever forced into being was not only painful in execution, but also didn’t feel nearly as satisfying as I wanted it to once it was done. Meanwhile, the things that felt almost effortless, that still required work but that seemed to flow almost of their own accord, resulted in the most magical and beautiful results. I’ve seen this happen in school, in work, in relationships. It’s something I believe with every fiber of my being. What is meant for you, though it may certainly require work, will never feel like pushing against the current. Instead, it will feel like a flow that is taking you along with it, that you couldn’t fight against even if you wanted to.

There is a lot of talk in our culture about self-discipline and motivation, about how it is our responsibility to push ourselves to go further and reach new heights. And while that is certainly true, in the sense that only we can take ourselves where we want to go, this becomes detrimental when all the discipline and motivation is focused not on what WE actually want but on what we have been told we SHOULD want.

For much of my adolescence, I prided myself on my ability to self-motivate and be hyper-disciplined in the pursuit of certain goals. And while I am proud of that girl for many things she accomplished and her seemingly boundless grit and perseverance, I can also see in hindsight how much of her energy was spent on proving her worth both to herself and to everyone around her. As if she wasn’t already enough as she was.

I am not proud of the fact that for so many years, I had no issue with totally running myself into the ground. When I was exhausted after a long day of school, I would still push myself through a grueling hiit workout. When I felt a cold coming on from lack of sleep and too much stress, I would try to “run it off,” which (surprise, surprise) led to an intensified and prolonged bout. Because I was doing all these things in the name of “health” and “success,” part of me really did believe I was doing what was best for me.

It was only in those rare moments when I was forced to stop or slow down due to circumstances outside of my control that I noticed how utterly trapped I felt. Of course, it was easy to justify or push away this feeling, thinking that was all just part of being dedicated and hard-working. That this was the pill I had to swallow if I hoped to reach my goals. And after all, that’s what every message around me seemed to echo and what everyone around me seemed to believe, so I figured it had to be true.

It was easy enough to ignore the small voice inside insisting incessantly that it didn’t have to be like this and that the world wouldn’t end if I didn’t do the things I told myself I had to when it seemed I was the only one who felt this way. If everyone else could do it all, I thought, then of course I could too. In fact, I would do it better.

I don’t regret all that hard work, not for a second. It showed me that I can do a whole lot more than I sometimes think I can. It showed me what I can accomplish when I truly set my mind on it.

But I wonder sometimes if I could have been kinder to myself and still gotten the same results. If I could have shown myself more compassion and taken a pause to check in with myself, instead of plowing through the checklist of what I told myself I HAD to do, could I maybe have saved myself a whole lot of needless stress, anxiety, and burnout?

Then again, I must have needed to have those experiences to arrive at the place I am at now. Where I make decisions not from a place of unworthiness or fear, but from self-love and awareness. Where I choose to trust where my heart is leading, even if it doesn’t make much sense to the mind in the moment. Even when it means going against the grain and causing some level of discomfort or tension. Especially then. Because I know now that’s exactly where the magic lies.

Next week, I’ll be back with a follow-up post that dives deeper into this topic of “shoulds” and gives more concrete tools that I use in my own life to guide myself to my truth and avoid unconscious doing or forcing. I’d love to see you there. 

For now, let me know if this resonates and whether there are any concrete things you would like me to address in next week’s post. I’d love to support you. <3

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