For All My Fellow Anxious Humans (Or What to Do When Experiencing Anxiety)

I was going to write about something totally different today, but then I woke up with the familiar hold of anxiety on my belly and thoughts. And I thought, well, I started this whole thing to be honest and get deeper, right? 

So anxiety. I’ve written about it countless times. Still, I’m always floored by how much it can knock the wind out of me every time, and how I am still very much in process.

Over the years, I’ve done so many things to help me manage it, to control it, to subdue it. There was a time when I thought my anxiety meant there was something deeply wrong with me, and I kept it a secret, ashamed of what it might mean that I had such terrible thoughts and fears looping through my mind. Who thinks such things, I would admonish my brain, thankful that the one silver lining was that no one could read my mind. And I would fight. I fought the thoughts hard, using pure force and willpower to banish them from my mind. And when I realized that was a fight I couldn’t win, I was ashamed that this meant I was weak. 

Of course, I know now that anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s simply a protective mechanism, activated by periods of intense stress or difficulty. Our minds feed us with various unfounded and sometimes preposterous fears and thoughts, in the hopes that we will then be ready if any one of them comes to fruition, and then will no longer have to experience anything close to what we did. 

One of the most helpful pieces of advice I’ve ever heard about anxiety is to treat it the way you would a scared child. When a child is terrified of the monster in the closet, you know full well there is no actual monster, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real to the child. You wouldn’t yell at them to stop being afraid; you wouldn’t give them the silent treatment or leave their room. And you could open the closet and show them its empty contents again and again, but once you close that door, you know they’d insist the monster was back.

So what do you do? You acknowledge and validate their fear while reassuring them that they are safe. Maybe you use your imagination to tell them a story about the monster that helps it not seem so scary — maybe the monster is actually a protector, keeping watch over them to make sure they’re safe and sound. Most of all, you soothe them and comfort them because what they are fearing may not be real, but the fear itself is. You hug and cuddle them, speaking softly and gently, and maybe make them laugh.

The other thing is remembering that anxiety is not the enemy because it is not something outside of you. It is just as much a part of you as your joy or your capacity to love or to make things. It can even be just as valuable.

I’ve learned to feel immense gratitude for my anxiety because I fully believe that it’s made me a more empathetic, compassionate, and kind person. I know very well that not every hard thing is obvious to an onlooker, and that the people who look most together and self-sufficient are often the ones that are in most desperate need of a hug.  

It also always serves as an important reminder for me to stop trying to escape and reject the experiences of my body and mind and instead come closer, get deeper, and love harder.

So for all you fellow anxious ones, I invite you to use your anxiety as an opportunity to embrace your humanity, in all its soft centers and hard edges, and an invitation to love and care for yourself the way you deserve and need. Next time you feel the familiar tightening of the belly, the racing thoughts, the tingly palms, the quickened heartbeat, pause…..and ask yourself, kindly and lovingly, what you need in that moment? What would make you feel better?

I also recommend making a list of things that help and turning to it when it’s hard to think of anything.

Just for reference, yours and mine, I’ll share my list here.

Things to Do When Experiencing Anxiety:

1. Place a hand on your heart and the other on your belly and take long deep breaths, repeating the mantra “I am safe” or whichever one feels right in the moment.
2. Move your body. It’s amazing what shaking out some of that stagnant energy can do. My favorite ways are a yoga flow, a solo dance party in my room, and hiit or kickboxing. 
3. Get outside. I always underestimate the power of the outdoors and a walk to totally reset my body and mind. This relates to the above point, but there’s also something about the fresh air, the color of the sky, and the methodic rhythm of walking that is simultaneously energizing and grounding.
4. Imagination. Use your imagination to either paint your anxiety in a light that feels less scary, or to bring yourself toward more positive emotions by imagining your happy place or bringing to mind a memory where you felt totally safe and content.
5. Journaling. Writing all the thoughts down loosens their hold and takes away some of their immensity.
6. Do something creative. Creativity can be an amazing way to process anxiety and hard feelings without dwelling on them, and you might even get something beautiful out of it. 
7. Reach out. (This is a hard one for me). Remember that you can ask for a hug or a cuddle or even just some silent company from the people who love you. You don’t need to do this alone. If you want to share and vent, too, just be sure to ask the person if they have the capacity to listen at that moment.
8. Self-soothe. This is where you amp up the comfort and coziness and pamper yourself in whatever ways feel good. For me, this often looks like getting into comfy clothes, turning on a comforting TV show or movie, and lighting my favorite candle. Or sometimes it’s reading in bed, burrito-ed in a blanket, with a cup of something warm and delicious next to me. Or listening to a comforting song or podcast that helps me feel less alone. Take this as an opportunity to love on yourself in whatever ways you need.

I love you all, and as Glennon Doyle (one of my favorite people I’ve never met) says, “We can do hard things.”

Love,

Nicole