As Katy Perry’s newest song “Never Really Over” plays again and again in my head, I suddenly realize how appropriate it is not only for reminiscing old romances but also for describing that one old flame that just won’t quit. Anxiety.
Tell myself tell myself tell myself draw the line, and I do I do.
But once in a while I trip up and I cross the line, and I think of you.
Two years and just like that, my head still takes me back. Thought we were done but I guess it’s never really over.
Anxiety is a fickle being. Try to control her or bind her up, and she will only come back angrier and stronger. Ignore her completely and keep living your life as though she isn’t there, and she’ll become louder and louder until she’s taken over every corner and facet of your mind.
The one thing that does work? That works ever single time even when it’s damn hard to remember?
Stop fighting. Let go. And for god’s sake, keep breathing.
I learned over the years what tactics help me, but strangely, every time I find myself facing it again, I feel like that powerless little girl again who just wanted to curl up and hide from the voice in her head that reverberated so loudly within her mind she couldn’t hear anything else.
I forget that anxiety is just a part of me, no stronger than I am. I forget that all I need to get through it is to just let myself feel the feelings, to accept and allow. To remember that they’re just thoughts after all and not anything to be frightened of.
And sometimes that’s really really hard to do.
Particularly when you haven’t experienced it in a while, it’s easy to forget what anxiety feels like, and to believe, however foolishly, that it won’t happen again. And then, when it comes, so much stronger somehow than you remember, and catches you completely unaware, it’s easy to feel like the wind’s been knocked out of you, like you’re right back to square one, back to being that powerless little girl again.
But I know that little girl was never truly powerless. She was strong. She learned that the less she fought against anxiety, the less power it held over her. She learned to sit in silence with herself, to feel every emotion and learn that she could withstand it all.
She learned that anxiety was not something to fight against but instead, something to make peace with. It was only ever trying to keep her safe, after all.
I talked in this post about how I feel a bit uncertain right now, a bit in limbo. Perhaps it’s because of this perceived absence of safety and security that my anxiety is flaring up again. Perhaps there’s a part of me that’s really fighting against going back to school, when instead I just need to let go and allow.
So I’m using this as an opportunity to do some soul-searching and figure out what I am so uncomfortable with.
Perhaps it’s because it feels like a bubble that’s bursting because the last 8 months of my life have been so surreal and magical. Perhaps I’m scared that I’ll go back to being stressed and constantly over-busy, and lose what I yearned for so long for. That sense of freedom, adventure, and magic. The space to actually hear my intuition and the time and freedom every day to do what feels right for me.
I know I don’t want to go back to how I often felt in school in the prior years. I don’t want to be going through the motions every day and feeling like I’m not living my truth. I don’t want to feel like I’m working so damn hard for I don’t even know what. I don’t want to lose that spontaneity, that freedom, that magic that the time away from Georgetown gifted me.
Thank you, anxiety, for giving me pause and helping me set some necessary intentions while I still have some time and distance from school. Thank you for reminding me that I am still in control of how I choose to feel about my circumstances. And thank you for keeping me humble and reminding me that even after all these years, the work is never really done. 🙂
“Two years and just like that, my head still takes me back. Thought we were done but I guess it’s never really over.”
Please stay tuned for an upcoming post on what I plan to do to stay aligned once school starts and ensure that I hold those study abroad lessons close every single day in this final year of college. Thank you for reading. <3
Hi Nicole. So, this post is almost a year old now, and I’m sure you’re all over those anxious moments now? There’s so much I don’t know about, and wish I did, but I know well from personal experience about anxiety. And oh yea, a great deal about lost, failed, and ended relationships. I don’t think I’ll go there though, just to share something that may, could, might help you for a long time? After many years of suffering through every sort of anxiety and panic attack, taking medications of all sorts -all to no avail-I ended it myself. I can’t end life stuff, but I did end the anxiety attacks. Here’s how I did it: No matter what I’m doing when it comes, I stop what I’m doing and focus all of my attention on the anxiety. I wouldn’t know it was there if weren’t manifesting somewhere in my body, so I just think about where that could be? I feel for it. Then I focus all my attention there. Not trying to end it, just being super aware of it. It will leave quickly and often go somewhere else. I’m like someone looking and listening in the dark for any clue of where the noise is at. I may have to go to several different places in my body, but it dissolves each time, until it is gone. After doing this a number of times, it will stop showing up, and when it does, my undivided attention helps it quickly disappear. Of course like you said, it’s really in the remembering to do it, and stopping the fight. I enjoy reading you, and wish you the best.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment, Brian. This actually could not have come at a better time. I appreciate you!