I’ve been feeling a bit lost recently. Perhaps you have too?

The world seems to be collectively searching for answers as we shift, and I think many of us are experiencing this on an individual level.

It feels like I am in a constant state of holding my breath and playing the waiting game. It’s like this eery quiet right before the catharsis of a summer storm; you know something big is coming, but you just don’t know what, so all you can do is hope for the best.

I have a tendency of resisting my present reality when it is not quite where I want to be. I start escaping into the memories of a better past or into hopes of a better future. Presence is HARD when you are not where you want to be.

I constantly want to fast forward to when things fall into place somehow, when I am feeling settled and grounded in at least one area of my life, instead of constantly feeling like I’m being held upside down by an ankle.

I know that isn’t the answer. Wishing for some future date when everything is “certain” or “settled” is fruitless. Sure, things might be a bit more stable in some not too distant future, but thinking the future holds some elusive key to contentment is a trap. I don’t want to spend this time wishing away the present, hard as it may be to deal with sometimes. I want to stand with my feet firmly planted in the ground, living it all because I know that’s what will make me stronger and prepare me for that future I can imagine.

I heard someone say recently, “Keep your head in the stars, feet firmly planted, heart wide open.” That’s it. That’s how I want to do this. This quarantine, this whole time period, this life even. I want to keep dreaming but stay grounded with what is in front of me, while keeping my heart open and really feeling it all.

My Current Situation

If I could describe it in one word, it would be unsettled. I am out of college, but not yet employed. I spend hours sending applications that I am not sure anyone is going to read for positions I am not even sure I really want. I have all these ideas buzzing vaguely in my head about what I want to do for creative projects, but more often than not I start it and realize my heart isn’t in it. When that happens, I’ve learned it’s because I’m paying too much attention to the whims of the mind and following all the “shoulds” it lays out for me, without consulting the heart.

When I do go inward, my heart is strangely quiet. I know it well enough at this point to know that is not because it doesn’t have answers for me. The silence is an answer in itself. It seems to be saying, “Just wait it out, girl. Be patient.”

Which, let’s be real, is the most frustrating answer it could possibly give me. In fact, I’ll be totally honest. The first few times I heard this, I was like “F that” and proceeded to do the exact opposite. I decided I would throw myself into DOING, jumping from one action to the next, never stopping, hoping that if I just kept moving, I could change something. I could find the answers I so desperately wanted.

And though it is certainly true that change requires action, my actions were not coming from a true place. They were coming from a place of “should,” not flow. They were fueled by fear, not creativity or inspiration.

The constant DOING was exhausting. And the most ironic part is, I knew better.

I knew better than to think DOING could possibly come first and give me all the answers when I felt lost. I have learned time and time again that action needs to come from a place of alignment, not a place of frantic fear.

And that requires BEING, first and foremost. It requires sitting with yourself, in stillness, and waiting. Waiting for the insights, waiting for the answers.

This is not easy.

It requires a tremendous degree of trust, and for someone who finds it incredibly difficult to sit still, it is hard to let go of the reins and trust that things will work themselves out in due time. Even though I’ve seen this work time and time again, seen how the moment I let go, relax, and allow, things really do fall into place in a way I never could have orchestrated through my frantic forcing energy, it’s still really hard to surrender.

What I Am Doing Differently

In this period, when nothing is sure, instead of daydreaming about a future that feels more appealing than the present moment or reminiscing about the past, I’ve been experimenting with something new as I work with this mantra of “Be Here Now.”

All this means is that I notice and pay attention to what’s happening right now. I might not have a job; I might be thousands of miles away from my boyfriend and many of my closest friends; I may not have any idea what the future holds. But I am currently HERE, in this reality that comes with its many shades of beauty and pain. I cannot escape or change this reality for the present moment. I don’t want to spend my time wishing it away because then I’ll miss all the little gifts.

I’ll miss how beautiful the sunset looks when I take my evening walk by the bay in my neighborhood, the sweet coziness of baking in the kitchen on a weekday while my mom types away on her keyboard, the lovely nightly dinners we share while watching a feel-good movie.

I’ll miss the gift of time and space I currently have to explore whatever I am curious about, the freedom of structuring my days however I please and filling them with whatever feels right.

Even still, it’s hard work. It’s hard heart and soul work to sit in something painful or challenging and not put up your walls, not run away from it. But I think the beauty of this time period is there is nowhere to run. If we truly take this opportunity for what it is, an unprecedented chance to experience life one day at a time instead of constantly living in the past or future, I think we can come out of it transformed.

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