A Blogging Evolution: A New Chapter

Note: I wrote this post about 2 weeks ago, after around a month of not posting anything here. 

It’s been a while since I’ve shown my face around these parts, but to be totally honest, it’s been a while since I truly wanted to. You guys know I’ve always been very honest about when blogging just isn’t feeling good and when I need to take a step back. I never ever want this space to feel like a “chore” especially since this started as a project that was entirely for me.

To be totally transparent, I’ve felt a bit uncertain about what I want out of this blog for a long time. I was reading through some old posts, from my first year of blogging, and I remember that passion and excitement I felt back then, how I would spend hours blogging each week, on top of a crazy intense class/work schedule. I remember how even though I was so tired and my plate was so full, I never felt depleted or burnt out.

I think even back then I probably had certain expectations about where the blog would go. I imagined it growing and evolving with me, opening new doors, leading me down a path I’d watched unfold from afar from people I had admired for a long time. That elusive dream is what kept me fueled and passionate back then, and it really did propel me forward exponentially.

And then came the burnout. The doubts. The uncertainty. I had phases of feeling totally disconnected from this blog and questioning what I even wanted. I felt like there were things I “had to” do in order to reach that dream I’d had when I first started, but no part of me wanted to do those things.

It didn’t even occur to me that perhaps that dream was no longer alluring for me at all because it no longer fit. But because I didn’t know better, I still did them. I went by the book, following the path paved by so many others I’d followed for so long.

I read tons of posts on the importance of niching, yet always felt deep down that there was no one thing I could see myself staying passionate and excited about forever.

I learned all about the “essential” social media platforms, Instagram and Pinterest, and how amassing a huge following there was imperative for seeing any growth on your blog. And yet spending the required amount of time on these apps only left me feeling depleted and resentful because I wasn’t actually enjoying being on them for that long and most of all, hated the emphasis on numbers and the comparison and competition it bred.

I learned about search engine optimization and keywords and how to properly title a post to ensure it ranks higher on Google. And I kept thinking, But I know what I want to name it. Why can’t I just do that?

It was like there was a small but feisty voice inside of me that kept trying to rebel against all these proven strategies. Occasionally, I would get tired of fighting it.

For weeks at a time, I would want nothing to do with this blog. One of my core life values is authenticity, and following all these rules felt like the exact opposite. But then the self-doubt would kick in, and I would beat that little voice into submission and go on  trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Because I didn’t trust myself enough to try anything different.

I truly thought this was the only way. And so, the pattern would play out again and again.

Every time I decided to try a new tactic or strategy, I would start off excited and committed, and then invariably, after several weeks or months, it would feel like drudgery. I figured the problem was I wasn’t motivated enough, that I had to push myself through it, that this is the only way to success, and I just have to grin and bear it.

And yet as all these little things only took away my time and energy, with not much payoff at all, I became increasingly disillusioned. For weeks at a time, I would stare at blank screens for hours trying to muster up anything at all, anything to keep the momentum going so I wouldn’t “fall behind” on my self-inflicted timeline. My creativity had become a means to an end, a way to reach some shiny future I had decided I wanted years ago.

Even when I felt in my bones that this goal was no longer exciting me like it did before, I held tightly to it. Because my identity was already tied up in it, and we all know how difficult it is to let go of that. Who was I without those dreams I’d envisioned? What was I striving for if not that life that I’d imagined way back when?

Perhaps it’s the pandemic that’s left us all with more time and space on our hands to introspect and really listen to ourselves, taking away the usual distractions that we would use to avoid this in the past.

Or maybe it was my college graduation and official start to a brand new chapter of my life. Maybe it’s all the shifts I’ve experienced recently in my relationships, or perhaps the content I’ve been consuming that is focused on getting honest with yourself and trusting what comes up.

Most likely, it is a combination of all of these.

 

I’m grateful to these past few months for showing me that any sense of safety and security that comes from outside you is an illusion. Nothing in this world is certain; nothing is 100% safe, or if it is, as my girl Taylor says, “nothing safe is worth the drive.” 😉

For me, this has been the year of learning to trust myself. Of blocking out all the noise and looking inward for the answers. All the most magical things in my life happened when I put aside the rational, the logical, the sensible and trusted what my heart was telling me. That’s what I feel I need to do here.

For a long time whenever I felt disconnected from this space, I figured I was just burnt out on the writing. I thought, I just need to step away and not write anything at all for a little while.

So I would stop posting on the blog, would delete Instagram off my phone, and abandon any self-imposed schedule or rulebook I’d been following. And then, something interesting happened.

I began writing more than ever. The writing was just totally different from anything I would ever post on here because it didn’t fit the “niche” I had carved out for myself. I mostly wrote for myself, but I had a deep desire to share some of the pieces I wrote because I felt in my heart that they would resonate with someone.

And one of my deepest sources of fulfillment is connecting with others through the things I create.

As I found myself getting more and more excited about writing again, and feeling that old fire come back, I realized the problem was never burnout. It was inauthenticity. I’d been spending my time trying to fit into an old mold because it was comfortable and familiar and safe.  It just wasn’t me anymore.

And the truth is, I can’t do inauthentic. I’ve tried, and it just doesn’t work. It’s me or nothing.

But I was scared. I wanted to share these posts on my blog, but I hesitated. Could I just do that? What if my readers who’ve been with me from the beginning no longer related with the content? What if I lost what I had built over the years?

 

Another quote comes to mind.

“To get uncommon results you must do uncommon things.”

By following the preset path, I was unknowingly limiting myself and clipping my own wings. Sure I could probably force myself to keep following that path, and perhaps I would find the success I saw others having. Perhaps if I just followed all the rules to a tee, did everything right, continually stuffing down the voice within me telling me this isn’t totally right, perhaps then, I could reach that elusive success, at least on paper.

But I know I wouldn’t be happy. I know that each morning when I would wake, I would feel a longing in my heart to do something different that what was written on my calendar, that each day I would feel trapped in an endless self-perpetuated cycle. That each night I would go to bed with a pang in my heart that another day had gone by of me not being true to myself.

 

So what is my point with all this? I guess it’s to say, I don’t know what my “ultimate goal” is yet.

I want to write, but I also want to connect with people in person. I want to create content, but I don’t want to stick to some preordained schedule or rulebook for how I do it.

I want to craft a career that feels authentic and so fully me, to pave my own path instead of following the proven paths of those who came before me.

This is scary. It is significantly easier to follow a well-paved path of success than to meander and stumble through the weeds of a brand new path that makes no promises for a positive outcome.

But I think that’s the biggest thing I’ve learned this year. I can’t live my own dreams by following somebody else’s. Going down a path that isn’t right for you will never lead you to the levels of success that you so dream about because you are not actually living in alignment with your heart and soul. You are being safe; you are staying comfortable; but you are not living your truth.

There is no one right path to success. Not only can success look incredibly different from person to person depending on unique goals and circumstances, but the path to it can vary wildly. There are as many paths to success as there are people in the world, and probably, a thousand times more.

 

So, all this to say, there will be some changes on this blog. You likely already see a couple.

While this is not a sure thing yet, I believe I will be changing the domain name here to something that  better reflects who I am right now and what I am interested in writing about. I LOVE the Laughing My Abs Off name, I really really do, and I’ll miss it. (In fact, I think I’ll keep it as my Instagram handle because I just don’t want to cut off ties with it completely). But the truth is, I chose that name when I thought this blog would be entirely focused on health and fitness. And while I enjoy writing my Joyful Eats & Movement posts a whole lot, they are certainly not the crux of what I want this blog to be about.

The fact is, health and fitness just don’t take up as much of my brain space as they used to. I still love working out; I still enjoy cooking healthy delicious food, but I’m just not as interested in talking or writing about it.

So the content on here will shift. I want to write here about things I am truly passionate about and am currently working through. I don’t want to filter anymore, or try to be someone I’m not.

This little blog is shedding its old skin and starting its journey of transformation. As am I.

I want to bring this space back to its roots. Back to being my handcrafted safe space, where I can be totally myself, can share all my thoughts and musings, and connect with you guys through being my full authentic self. This is what I created this place to be, and I’m reclaiming it as such right now.

I’m done playing it safe. I’m ready to leap into the unknown, to do what hasn’t been done even when I have no guarantee that it will lead me where I want to be. In fact, I’m letting go of having that elusive faraway dream that is only ever some imitation of what I’d seen someone else accomplish. I’m embracing the possibility that maybe, the place I will get to is so beyond anything I can imagine at this moment and the only way for me to get there is to keep following my heart every step of the way.

 

For now, I will keep writing here when it feels good. I’ll keep following the breadcrumbs. But I won’t make any promises about what the road ahead looks like. If there’s anything this year has shown all of us, it’s you never ever know what the future holds. And call me crazy, but I think that’s actually pretty magical.

I would be honored if you would join me for this ride. 🙂

So much love. xx