Hello! I am currently sipping an iced coffee, while wrapped in a sweater and scarf because that’s the kind of person I am. I have an hour between work and class, and it occurred to me it’s been a while since I’ve watered this little space.

It’s high time for a little update, don’t you think?

Life’s been really busy, but also really sweet. I think back to some past semesters when I felt  absolutely drained and miserable, constantly productive and yet feeling disconnected from any kind of higher purpose behind the  busyness. I was busy because that’s all I knew, because I was terrified of those quiet in-between moments, and because I honestly thought being busy enhanced my worth in some way. Well, over the past couple years I’ve finally learned that A) there is way more to life than having a packed schedule, B) sitting with yourself in stillness is the best (and only) way to work through the discomfort and actually come out the other side, and C) how busy my schedule is has NOTHING to do with my worth as a human.

The time of being totally undiscerning with my time and telling myself all these stories about what I needed to do to meet some self-imposed metric of success, health, or happiness are long behind me now. I no longer sacrifice my joy, my time, or my sanity for things that don’t feel true to me. I no longer sign up for things just because I feel like I should, and I don’t spend time with people who don’t make me feel good.

School

That being said, this semester I decided to be a little more involved with campus life than I was last semester. I joined a low-commitment dance group that meets for 2 hours once a week, started a job at the Study Abroad office (where I get to wax poetic about Edinburgh, yes, please), and signed up for a weekly dinner series with some fellow seniors where we reflect on the past four years and talk about the future.

All these things were very intentional choices for me, and though they take up quite a bit of time, I feel that they truly align with my current needs and intentions. I wanted to finish my senior year feeling connected to my university and my peers, not totally sequestered in my own bubble. I needed last semester to find my comfort again, after being away for so long, but this semester, I was ready to finally push the mold again. I wanted to do some new things, meet some new people, and try new activities. And so that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. 🙂

Classes are currently picking up as well, and though there is sometimes a lot of work and a lot to balance, I am quite happy to learn and challenge myself and really enjoy this last semester of college.

 

Leisure

I have been writing quite a bit lately… I mentioned it in my intentions, but I really want to focus on making (and sharing) my art this year.

I have been a writer my whole life. I used to write about anything and everything, but I guess the older I got and the busier, the more the writing fell to the wayside. Of course, I have this blog, and thank goodness for that, but there is a limit to what I can actually write about on here. For several years, I put all those other thoughts that I wasn’t sharing on here into my personal journals. I would write pages and pages, letting the words give voice to and release my feelings. Writing has always helped me find answers within myself; it’s one of the few activities that I can do for hours and hours without noticing the time pass by. And yet, I unintentionally let it fall to the wayside. Some of it was time and busyness, but I suspect a large part of it was fear. Somewhere along the way, I told myself I wasn’t good enough to identify as a “writer,” and though I had this blog, I could not actually write for money. I also thought, well I don’t necessarily want to be an author as a career, so what’s the point?

Well, I’m finally banishing those limiting beliefs. I told myself I wasn’t good enough to write, and yet writing more is the only way to get better. I think it’s often easy to choose not to do something because we assume we’ll suck at it. But that feels like a surefire way to stay small and sheltered, without ever pushing the mold.

There are so many topics I want to write about and explore, and this blog is not necessarily the only place I can share that.

To be honest, I’m still in the process of figuring out the whole sharing thing, but for right now, I’ve been carving pockets of time out of my day or week to just write. Sometimes it’s waking up an hour early and writing before anyone else is up (my favorite), or sometimes it’s taking a whole weekend day to set up camp in my favorite hotel lobby and just write whatever flows out.

And it’s crazy. The moment I decided to actually reconnect to my creativity, it felt like the floodgates opened. All of a sudden, I was getting new writing ideas all the time. I talked before about how I had a prolonged inspiration dry spell for the past year or so, and so I feel especially grateful for this new development. For now, I don’t necessarily have an agenda with it. I am just slowly reconnecting with an old love, and it’s familiar but also new, and exciting but also comfortable, and we’ll just have to see where it goes. 😉

 

Self-Care

In this busy time, I am being very intentional about tuning in to my body and mind and trying to make choices that will actually fill my cup and add to my joy, rather than draining me. Where in the past I would often just keep pushing and pushing until my body inevitably burned out and I was at my wit’s end, I now can sense when it might be time to pull back a bit.

For example, on some crazy busy days when I find myself with a pocket of 30 minutes of free time, instead of looking for a random task to accomplish or instantly going to my phone and numbly scrolling through Instagram, I pull out a book and just let myself get absorbed by it. It leaves me feeling significantly more centered and grounded.

I am also really prioritizing spending quality time with my friends. The fact of our looming graduation is not lost on me, and though friend time is always a priority of mine, I am feeling particularly tender toward my friends right now.

So there’s been lots of movie nights, lots of dinners and brunches out, lots of just sitting and chatting and laughing, without worrying about “wasting time.”

And it’s been really really great. I am so fortunate to have people in my life who truly lift me up and make life so much better and make me feel truly loved. And at the end of the day, those sweet moments together are so much more valuable than a perfectly done assignment or an extra hour spent on reading an article.

I’ve also been loving music, and though I had to sadly leave my guitar at home after winter break (I’m getting it back on my birthday Feb 14!), I’ve been loving listening to some new songs. Currently really loving Halsey’s new album Manic. And of course still obsessed with Camilla Cabello’s Romance album.

 

Future

I’m grateful that I haven’t yet felt the overwhelm of having a million different things to do. In addition to all the things I’m doing on campus and my personal writing goals, I am aware of the fact that I do need to figure out a job situation for myself post-grad relatively soon. I also have so many different ideas for personal projects I want to work on and evolve. And yet, while in the past I would start getting lost in the sheer magnitude of all I need to/want to accomplish, I feel quite balanced right now.

I’d be lying if I said some anxious thoughts don’t occasionally come knocking, but I’ve mostly been focusing on just being present and intentional with every choice I make. And remembering that I can’t (and don’t need to) have it all figured out now. I can’t possibly know my next 100 steps and where they will lead, but I can be intentional about taking that first step.

The world feels quite expansive right now. And while that’s slightly terrifying, it’s also liberating and exciting. I don’t at all know what this year holds, but I am choosing to keep trusting, allowing everything to unfold without resistance or forcing, and just living as fully and joyfully as I can.

 

 

Let’s Chat!

Tell me some of your own updates. What’s been going on? Can you relate to anything I’m currently experiencing?