I get this strange feeling sometimes. I don’t know if I’m completely alone in this, or if this is universal, or maybe at the very least some of you will relate. Sometimes, I feel as though I am not FEELING enough, and by consequence, that I am not LIVING enough. It’s hard to really put this into words because I know, logically, that I am definitely living fully in terms of experiences. Especially now that I have an abundance of time and so many amazing destinations at my disposal, there is no lack of experiences. I am traveling and exploring and following my heart, and many days here I truly feel like I’m living a fantasy. Not every day of course, but many.
But sometimes, I feel strangely blank. Like, even when I do have cool experiences I am not EXPERIENCING them to the fullest? I often find myself nostalgic for my teen years, and for the longest time, I didn’t know why that was. I mean, being a teen is HARD. Your emotions often feel suffocating, and it can feel as though you are constantly a slave to your mind and your hormones. But at the same time, something about that intensity of FEELING appeals to me because I realized that it’s been a while since I’ve let myself truly feel.

There are moments.

Like when I’m really connecting with someone on a deeper level, or when I’m listening to music and a song comes on that just unlocks some deep emotion in me I didn’t even realize I was feeling. Or when a movie can easily cause me to dissolve into tears, and I realize I haven’t cried in a year.

I’ve pretty much always been the type to hold my emotions back. It was much easier that way, than feeling the full brunt of pain and anger and sadness that was brought on by the family drama of my past. And though I totally thought I was past that, that I was now fully attuned to my emotions and so self-aware that I always know exactly what I’m feeling, it turns out old habits die hard.

The truth is, I do feel very strongly, and I always have. But I often have an incredibly hard time expressing that or even being honest about it to myself. I always feel like I should be strong and positive and unceasingly happy. Most of the time, I do feel all those things. But there are times when life just is tough, or someone really disappointed you, or you just feel angry or frustrated or sad for no reason at all. And I think what I’m slowly learning is it’s OKAY to lean into those feelings. That life is not about flying high and being positive all the time, rainbows shooting out of your butt. Sometimes all we need is a good long cry. So why is it so hard for me to let myself feel those feels?

I know that is why I gravitate often toward tearjerker movies (I pretty much ALWAYS cry at movies) or why my Spotify playlist of choice often consists of heartbreak songs (you know, the kind you listen to exclusively while looking out the window). But I think what’s frustrating me is I still find this incredibly difficult to do in my real life.

It can take me weeks or months to fully process something, and I could be fully certain that I am entirely okay until all of a sudden, months later I find myself breaking down because of the smallest trigger. Because the truth is, I wasn’t fully okay all along, and I had just been lying to myself.

Lately, I’ve been gravitating toward a particular genre of literature/media/etc. I suppose it’s spirituality, or maybe just intense self-help. Things like Jess Lively’s podcast (LOVE), or The Alchemist (now my favorite book), or Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now (definitely worth a read/listen). The fascinating thing is, many of these sources are saying the exact same things but in slightly different ways. And the more I think about it, the more I realize these things are precisely what I need to hear.

Things like the importance of being fully present in each moment, not in the sense of just noticing your surroundings, but also noticing how YOU feel in each moment and not passing judgment on that. I think I like checking in when I know I feel good, but when I don’t feel great, I instantly start checking my phone, or listening to a podcast, or frantically busying myself. Anything to not feel that discomfort.

But I’ve realized something.

 I can’t fully feel the good without feeling the bad.

If I train myself to not feel my negative emotions FULLY as they come, my mind will automatically do the same for positive emotions because for the mind, there is no difference between them. We are the ones ascribing value to these emotions.

I’d been trying to cheat the system, to feel all the good without any of the bad.

Turns out, you can’t do that. Because all that ended up doing for me was taking away my full experience of the things I had really wanted to feel in the first place.

So, I’m making some changes. Because especially as I am having access to these awesome unforgettable experiences, I want to be experiencing them fully and completely. I want to stop fearing the negative emotions because at the end of the day, there is nothing scary about them. They might not be pleasant, but I’ve gone through them before. And almost always, those are the moments that later stick out in your life as being the most meaningful, the most transformative, the most intensely human. Some things I’ve been doing?

 

Meditating (almost) every day

I’ve been loving Insight’s free guided meditations for the past couple months, but I’ve been pretty sporadic about them. Lately, I’ve started practicing every morning, and it’s honestly making a huge difference in how my day goes. Before that, I’d gotten in the horrid habit of scrolling through my phone first thing and checking all the news and the apps, and I don’t need to tell you how much that can mess with your mental state for the entire rest of the day. This way, I start my day feeling positive, grounded, and connected to myself.

Resisting the urge to mindlessly scroll

I am very much not great at this yet, but I’ve been getting better at catching myself when I reflexively grab my phone and click on Instagram. Just being like, “wait, Nicole, what are you doing? You don’t need this right now.” I’ve noticed I tend to do this when I’m alone and not really doing anything and start feeling those uncomfortable feelings coming in. So instead, I’ve been trying to sit with those feelings and breathe into them. Sometimes, this is when I will turn on a guided meditation if I feel like I can’t fully deal with the emotions by myself.  I’m finding it’s a much better option for me and leaves me feeling infinitely better than all the scrolling.

Connecting with my inner teenager

I’ve spoken before about getting in touch with your inner child. And while I think that’s so important, I also don’t have too much problem doing that. What I’ve been focusing more on lately is getting in touch with my inner teenager. The one who feels things fully, who loves and surrenders completely to the unknown because there is no risk too great, who dreams BIG and sees no limit to what can happen.

I’m slowly remembering what it’s like to feel like there are truly no bounds to what I can do or where I can go. Remembering what it’s like to feel fear and discomfort and do the thing anyway because you know it’s right, and what’s the worst that could happen?

 

I’m done with playing small, with tucking away and protecting the vulnerable parts of me, with holding back. Here’s to feeling all the feelings and living life FULLY.

Love you all, and I’d love to hear in the comments if you resonated with this at all. <3