Hey hey! It me. And this gal is OFFICIALLY DONE with her first semester of junior year. Phew that feels good. This semester was a DOOZY, definitely up there as one of the hardest semesters yet. The good news is I think the ones coming up are all supposed to be quite a bit lighter. The other bit of good news is I handled this semester A LOT better than last. While the last semester left me feeling like an exhausted wrung out ball of numbness who couldn’t remember what it was like to be me, this semester I’ve done a pretty good job of staying connected to myself and being joyful even in the tough moments.
No I wasn’t always perfect at it; I still snapped at people sometimes when I was stressed, or complained a little too much on the phone to my mom about my huge amount of assignments, but on the whole, I felt quite joyful and myself. A lot of this is due to some specific changes and mindset shifts I’ve implemented over the past couple months, but I will talk all about those in the upcoming couple posts that will sum up this year.
For now, I wanted to talk about something that’s definitely on my mind and sort of was from the moment I packed all my belongings into my car and rode back home to NYC.
REST
And more specifically, the insane paradox I always find myself in when I’m in a place where I can take some time for myself. It seems that when I am in the thick of crazy hectic schoolwork, I am yearning for an extended break, a chance to just do nothing for a while.
But the moment I get it, I start feeling antsy, like okay, what should I be doing now? I think the difference this time around is I no longer get down on myself and feel like I am not worthy or not ENOUGH if I’m not “doing something.” But I still feel that guilt nonetheless. It’s like I know rationally I am worthy and enough as is, but also SHOULD I be doing these things that I haven’t had time for earlier in the year?
To be perfectly honest, all I want to do this break is relax. I don’t have too much time in NYC before I fly off to Edinburgh, and honestly my body and mind are aching for a nice extended break. But at the same time, this semester hasn’t yielded much leisure time for me which has meant I didn’t have time for the things that make me really happy like blogging, playing guitar, or podcasting. And I really really do miss and love all those things and have been dreaming about doing them for pretty much the entirety of the semester.
And yet now, I just feel tired. I slept for 12 hours last night and I’m pretty sure we’ve got another 12 hour night coming up tonight. I was so go go go for so long that it feels…weird to be taking a break.
I’m caught between wanting to accomplish all the things I didn’t have time for during the semester but that I have time for now AND wanting to just relax.
There’s not much point to this post, I guess. If anything, I hope if you relate to what I’m saying here, we can both decide together that it is OKAY to take the time you need so you can come back to the things you love with that much more passion and vigor.
I have a couple posts coming down the pipeline for you all, but as for everything else, I really don’t know. I’m not really into Instagram right now; podcasting honestly feels like a daunting amount of work, and I haven’t yet felt the urge to practice guitar. All that to say, this is how I feel RIGHT NOW. I am sure that maybe a few days from now, I will be ready to dive into it all. But I also know I want to spend a lot of my time with the people I won’t see for several months, and also spend some time just watching TV or reading.
So just to sum up, I hope you can understand that I need just a little bit more time to come back to my senses. And hey, chances are, I’ll find my groove only when I’m in Edinburgh, but I feel like all the magical Hogwartsy vibes I’ll be feeling there are only going to make what I create that much more authentic and me. 😉
Love you all, and I’ll talk to you soon. <3
Leave a Reply