The Most Important Lesson of Study Abroad

I had this interesting moment recently when I realized that I’d somehow planned 2 months of Europe travel for the final leg of my abroad experience (with a few small breaks in between). In the next two months, I’ll be living out of a suitcase more than I’ll be living in a home. For someone who’s thrived off routine and control for much of her life, this is pretty unprecedented.

Though I’d known I wanted to go to all these places long before even coming abroad, I don’t think I realized that it would all be happening in such quick succession, or that taking off on that first flight to Spain would be marking not just the end of my study abroad experience as I knew it, but also the beginning of a major shift in how I’ve been looking both at abroad and at living my life.

See, I’ve talked a lot on here about this shift I’ve been going through over the past year or so. A shift that’s made me much less controlling and more flowing, much less rigid and more relaxed, much less self-critical and more self-compassionate. But the funny thing is that just when you think you’ve reached the peak of your growth, you realize just how far you still have to go.

Before I set off for Spain I thought I had finally dropped all those expectations, all those strange rules I’d always thought I had to live my life by. By all signs, I had dropped them. I was spending my days not filling up every free moment with work but exploring a new city, spending time with new friends, and drinking my bodyweight in coffee. I was letting myself relax for the first time in a long long time and realizing that the world doesn’t end when I don’t check off every item on my planner. And that some days the planner can be left entirely empty. What a concept.

I felt free, calm, centered.

But then something interesting happened.

Just before heading to Spain, and honestly for the first few days there, I was gripped with paralyzing anxiety, guilt, and doubt. Thoughts of how stressful the upcoming 2 months would be, how tiring, how…uncontrollable rattled around my brain unceasingly. It terrified me, and I started wondering if maybe I’d packed too much into these two months, if I shouldn’t have just taken it easy these next two months. I battled with these waves of overwhelm while attempting to sight-see in Madrid, not allowing myself to fully enjoy the experience because I was using so much mental energy to worry.

And then I got to Seville, a magical city that took my breath away and stole my heart the moment I arrived. And a couple days after that, Roomie and I landed in Portugal. And something began to shift. All of a sudden it hit me that this is what I’d been dreaming about for years now, the feeling of LIVING, of getting out of my comfort zone, of experiencing magic like I’d never experienced before.

I wasn’t going to get that in my normal routine. Routine is familiar; it’s safe. Cooking my own meals at home, going to the gym a few times a week, seeing the same people every day, Facetiming the same people every night, sleeping in the same bed and waking up to the same views. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I LOVE my Edinburgh life (routine and all), I knew I was ready to take a leap.

I’d thought study abroad had been the biggest leap, the biggest comfort zone tester, but in reality, it only took a couple days for me to create a new normal there. To settle into yet another (different and exciting) routine. Pretty soon I was having that feeling again of wanting more excitement, more MAGIC, and though I felt it in bursts during my sporadic day trips or my week traveling in the UK, I don’t think I ever quite left my comfort zone entirely.

This trip, and all my upcoming travel, has been a different ball game entirely. Routine has gone out of the window completely; planning is fruitless and honestly not as fun as just seeing where our legs take us and what the day will bring.

Since Seville, I’ve experienced some of the most magical moments of study abroad, moments I want to always keep in a small special place in my heart to come back to when life goes back to normal. I drank wine while looking out at the most spectacular Lisbon riverside views, enjoyed meals that truly felt life changing, bonded with Roomie more than we had in a long time, and seen the most unbelievable sights that literally took my breath away. I experienced cultures unlike anything I’d known before and felt infinite peace and joy in my heart as I allowed myself to immerse fully in these new places.

And what exactly happened in Seville that shifted everything? I let go.

By which I mean, for the first time, I gave myself full permission to do something for no other purpose than enjoyment, pleasure, and living to the fullest. I allowed myself to do things for no other reason than because they felt good, and I accepted completely that this season of life isn’t about routine or work or control. It’s about living free, experiencing everything life has to offer to the fullest, and enjoying this opportunity that I don’t know when I will have again.

It hit me how ridiculous I was being by stressing about the lack of routine and all the travel, when I am so unbelievably fortunate to even be able to travel to all these amazing places right now without needing to worry about a job or money or any real-life responsibilities. I have this opportunity to live a life I’d previously only dreamed about, and until this moment, I hadn’t allowed myself to fully enjoy it.

Why?

I guess part of me felt guilty, or unworthy, or selfish. I’ve gotten so used to measuring my worth by accomplishing things and DOING and checking boxes that I’ve forgotten to let myself just LIVE. No goals, no objectives, no expectations. Just supreme gratefulness, joy, and love.

How funny that I had for so long craved a break out of routine, an adventure of epic proportions, and yet once I was faced with it, I wanted to run straight back into the familiar. I think that’s pretty common when you’ve been wanting something for so long. Part of you is so used to not having it and just desiring it that when the opportunity finally arrives to have it, you want to run and hide.

It took lots of meditation, self-compassion, and gratitude but I think I’m finally over that fear. I’m ready to embrace with open arms what I’ve always known I wanted and what I am, despite anything my mind tried to convince me of, worthy of having.

So my intention for these  next two months is to live fully and unapologetically, to allow myself to experience the magic I’d dreamed about for as long as I can remember, and to never stop being grateful. Here’s to adventure, making memories, and embracing whatever comes my way.

Thank you all for reading, and I’ll hopefully have a mini Spain & Portugal recap + photo dump coming your way super soon! <3