I wrote this post a couple months back, and I realized I never actually posted it. When I found it and read it, I realized how much growth I’ve gone through in the last couple months alone. Some of the things I wrote about here that I was struggling with, I no longer am, mostly because I have adopted the values and mindset that I discuss in this post. I have a feeling this will resonate with many of you. Please enjoy a peek into two-months-ago Nicole, and I will see you soon for a post recapping ALL the major mind-blowing lessons and changes that I’ve experienced while abroad. <3
I’ve always prided myself on my ability to not take myself or life too seriously. That childlike wonder, that slightly naive optimism, that belief that things will always work out and there is no limit to what magic can come your way has been a defining feature of mine ever since I pulled myself out of the darkest days of anxiety when I was 13.
Yet, I think I’ve recently been straying from this part of me. I would hear my peers worrying about “Adult” things, and pretty soon, I was doing the same. I started thinking more about the future, about the fact that I am graduating college in just a year, and that maybe it’s time to be “more pragmatic and realistic” about finances and career goals. In other words, I found myself dreaming smaller.
As I’ve been abroad, I’ve had some truly unbelievable moments. Magic beyond belief. But I’ve also had some really tough moments, not because anything external was WRONG at all, but more because something felt off-kilter internally. And though I’m no stranger to that feeling, there came a point where I felt like there were more of those off days than normal days. And even the normal days felt somehow like a lower version of the old normal.
And because I’m me and am self-aware to a fault, I instantly started thinking about what was currently different in my life that could be contributing to this.
One thing is obviously having more time on my hands. Which is a great thing, but it’s something I’m not used to, and so all that space to look inwards can feel overwhelming sometimes. I’ve also been turning to lots of personal development and spiritual work. Again, totally great, but perhaps I’ve been going too deep too fast. Perhaps, I’ve been too serious about all the inner work and self-improvement. Perhaps there’s a way to make it fun and joyful, and I haven’t been doing that.
I realized recently that it’s not the stress exactly that I hated back home. It’s the lack of time for play. Stress, when part of something that feels fun and aligned and right, is worlds different from the kind of stress that comes from doing things you don’t want to do.
Yet here I was, abroad, finally with so much time on my hands and feeling less stressed than I remember feeling in years. Maybe even ever. So what was wrong?
In school, my time was compartmentalized and taken up by things largely outside my control, but here, my time is almost entirely mine to do with as I please. The problem was, I was filling none of it with play.
What do I mean by play?
Oh, I was hanging out with people. I was traveling and going on adventures. I was going to pub quizzes and exploring all the coffeeshops and bookstores I could fit into a day.
But I’d forgotten about the things I’d always done that since childhood felt like play to me. Writing, reading, singing, playing guitar… Things I didn’t do for any particular purpose, but rather just for the fun of it. The things that make me totally lose track of time and fill me with pure joy.
I know far too many adults who are very “serious” about life (yes I know I’m being ridiculous talking about “adults” like I’m not one, but that’s where we’re at). They’ve told me over and over that I’ll grow up and realize life isn’t all gumdrops and rainbows. That I’ll be forced to become “serious” like them.
But here’s what I realized. Being too serious about life sucks all the joy out of it. It makes it hard. And dark. And scary. And that maybe, these people see life as all these things because they take it so dang seriously.
And the thing is, that might work for them. I mean, I understand that not everyone walks around farting unicorn dust and reciting Harry Potter. But what I know now, firsthand, is it doesn’t work for me.
All being serious has given me is more anxiety and less connection to myself and those in my life. It’s led to feeling less like me because the me I know doesn’t ever succumb to that “life is serious” mindset, even when things really really suck.
I’ve been laughing more lately (highly recommend Daniel Sloss, guys, I’m obsessed), reading fiction more, singing at the top of my lungs more, and writing just for the heck of it. And it’s led to so much more creativity, positive energy, and connection. It’s led to me feeling like ME again.
I’ve always had this inherent belief about the goodness and abundance of the universe. That doesn’t mean I don’t think life can be hard sometimes. Believe me, I know it can. But what I never had was a scarcity mindset, a feeling that there was some sort of limit to how far I could dream or how much I could achieve or how many good things were possible.
Until recently.
I began to be more scared, more anxious that all of the good things in my life would be taken away. I started to think more seriously about finances and wondering how on earth I would afford the kind of lifestyle I wanted in NYC upon graduating. All of a sudden, I felt limited. The “serious” mindset had finally gotten to me.
I feel like a duck shaking off its feathers after a petty fight with a neighboring duck. I’m shaking off those stories that I’ve begun to absorb without even fully realizing it, and I’m coming back to who I always was. I’m not saying a simple mindset shift is enough to prevent anything negative from happening, ever. I’m just saying it makes it so much easier to deal with when it comes. The universe always has your back, and you have all the strength and light in you to deal with whatever comes your way. <3
Thank you for reading, and I’d love to know if you’ve ever dealt with this. Do you have trouble not falling into the “Serious Adult” trap, too?
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