I wasn’t going to write a post today. It’s a Saturday evening as I’m sitting here writing this, and I was supposed to have done much more today than I have. I cleaned, grocery shopped, had a breakfast date with Roomie, did a yoga routine, and did some homework reading, and yet somehow I feel like I did about 1/10th what I “should” have done today.

I do enough personal development work and listen to enough Jess Lively to know there is no “should” in an intuitively driven life. But what if you’re not in a position to be fully intuitive? What if you have no choice but to do exactly what needs to be done, day in and day out, even if  it’s not your soul purpose?

These are just some things that have been on my mind lately as I am trying to navigate this semester.

I’m not quite sure yet whether this semester will be harder than last, but I know there is just as much of a risk of losing myself.

I spent so many days last semester and then the summer just not feeling like me. Oh I had occasional bursts of inspiration and excitement, sure, but overall something felt off. I was totally out of alignment. I needed an emotional chiropractor session. And I think, by the end of summer, I finally felt like I’d gotten one.

But it was almost like I barely felt back to normal before it was time to dive into the deep again.

I still feel like me, and I laugh daily, and I smile often, but I also feel so tired. More than that, I feel resentful, which is a pretty new development. I’m not even sure of what, exactly. School, maybe, or the status quo. (Ha!)

I feel like my deepest soul desire is to go somewhere far away where I will have about 20% of the responsibilities I currently have, and I can just explore and live and reconnect with the world. I think that’s what I’m missing. I’ve reconnected with me, but I feel so so disconnected from things greater than myself.

At the same time, life has been good. It’s been sweet and joyful, and there are moments when I just feel so unbelievably grateful and lucky. And that’s pretty much life, right? There are always good things amid the bad and bad things amid the good. And that’s okay because life isn’t black and white.

I thought I would pull some inspiration from Georgie’s wonderful podcast and share my current Struggles and Wins with you. Hopefully it’s enjoyable to read, and I think it will be pretty therapeutic for me too 🙂

Struggles

Time

What I am struggling with most is I just don’t have much space in my day to fully completely relax, and if I do, it’s a very precise 30-45 minutes.

I’m telling myself this is all a construct and I have enough time to do everything that is important. I tell myself to look at time from an abundance mindset instead of a scarcity one. And yet, try as I might, my life currently just is not conducive to having an abundance mindset. And you know, I think that’s okay. Because I know this isn’t permanent, that far away though it may seem, I WILL fulfill that soul desire I mentioned above. Yes, life is hectic right now, but I am choosing to lean in to the FULLNESS of it all. Not busy, but full. That is the reframing that is currently working for me.

What I am really struggling with is figuring out where to cut corners and where I can maybe stop dedicating so much time. Some days I come home and I’m like, damn, I really wasted three hours today, and then I’m up until 1am making up for it. And other days I’m in bed by 11 feeling like a superhero because everything somehow got done and I even had time to read before bed. I’m not quite sure if it’s just a random occurrence kind of thing, but I definitely want to see more of the latter happening.

Laughing My Abs Off

Oof you guys, I love this space so much. I love this blog, I love Instagram, I love the baby podcast. And yet as this year kicked off, I felt so much resistance toward all my platforms I’ve worked so hard on to build. I just felt kind of burnt out, and it felt good to focus all my energy into something that did not require my control, things like schoolwork or my on-campus job. Where I could just be told what to do and be busy with that, and leave the rest of my time free for me.

But that lasted about 2 seconds until I just really really missed connecting with you guys on here. I process by writing (hence why this entire post is like one giant journal entry), and it kind of clicked for me today that working on these platforms is a form of self-care for me. It’s my creative outlet, my contribution bucket, and what really gives me purpose.

The struggle here is figuring out how to combine that desire to keep growing these platforms with my tough homework-heavy classes, my two jobs, my relationships, and time for cooking, working out, and doing laundry.

I have so so many ideas. They’re all over my iPhone notes, pages and pages of ideas for blog posts, for podcast episodes, for additions to the website, for partnerships. God, there is SO MUCH I want to do on here. And yet I have to accept the fact that now is not the time. I’ll still be here, but this semester is not the time for crazy growth and developments in this space.

I think part of my personality is once I have an idea for something, I need to do it RIGHT NOW, forgetting that life isn’t a race for success. It’s not about the end result, either. It’s about all the twists and turns and peaks and valleys that get us there (and yes, I just paraphrased an incredibly cliche phrase).

Fear of the Uncertainty of the Future

Oh man. This is a whole post in itself. Or, scratch that, I am actually planning on recording a podcast episode all about this because I have so much to say on the topic.

But for now I’ll just say this. If you are currently in a place where you have absolutely no idea how your future is going to look, and that terrifies you, and also makes you kind of sort of wish you had chosen a more clearcut career path, I AM WITH YOU. And yet, for that last point, I really don’t wish that. Yes, it would be infinitely more easy and comforting to know that I am totally financially secure and set for the next 10 years, but I also know that wouldn’t be me.

I know it might be more difficult for me to “make it” (whatever that means), but it’s also going to be an exciting, risky, scary, magical adventure. And how could this Gryffindor pass that up? 😉

Wins

Exercise

This is kinda random, and I will share more in my deep comprehensive post on my evolving relationship with exercise, but I just thought this belongs here because this is one thing I’m feeling really good about right now.

I recently got a one month free trial of ClassPass, and it’s been lovely! So nice to mix it up from my usual (well-loved) Youtube workouts. Currently obsessed with Barre3 and am planning on trying Corepower Yoga in the next few days. I’ve been loving having one or two high intensity days in my week and then the rest being lower impact like barre, Pilates, or yoga. It’s amazing how strong a low-impact workout can make you feel, and many times I am so sweaty but also so rejuvenated after those. With my crazy hectic days, my bod is craving more slow conscious movement and more rest.

I think exercise is back to being a kind of therapeutic outlet for me because I really do crave it during my busiest days. The difference between now and high school is that I am no longer pushing my body to the extreme to somehow match my extreme stress. Instead, I am using it as a balancing tool, and I have absolutely no desire to go overboard with it.

Relationships

Another thing I am really super grateful for right now are my relationships, particularly friends and family. I love my people more than I can ever put into words, and honestly, even the worst most exhausting most stressful day instantly becomes a great one when I spend an hour really connecting with a friend. Or even if I just get a little check-in text or an I-love-you-and-you’re-doing-great text.

My relationships are what truly ground me, and I know as long as I have these people in my life who love me just the way I am, I’ll be just fine. That’s why I really make an effort to carve out space for conscious time with friends on a daily basis, whether it’s watching a movie, grabbing Sweetgreen, or just studying (and talking) side by side.

Making plans for next semester

I feel like this kind of goes hand in hand with the above struggle about the fear of the future, but this is like the other side of the same coin. There are things I am so so excited about, mostly because they are so different and just feel like pretty big steps. I am currently applying to study abroad, and I guess I need to wait until I get in to really start getting super excited, but it feels like exactly what I need. An adventure, a change of scenery and pace, more space.

I am also trying to be proactive about applying to jobs for next summer, since I need to get that taken care of this summer if I am going abroad. I don’t know exactly what I want it to be, but I am excited to hopefully figure it out by working closely with our wonderful career counseling service. I guess it just feels exhilarating to have all that possibility open, even if the unknown is pretty scary.

Classes and Jobs

I think it’s important to note, just in case this post came across as one long bitch-fest about school, that I actually really like my classes and my jobs. They all require work, are often exhausting, and leave me with very little space in my day, but I also recognize how much I am learning and how privileged I am to be here. This semester might be the most academically stimulating and exciting one for me yet, as I am learning about Entrepreneurship and Psychology and, yes, even Accounting – all things that I really do enjoy learning and that make me feel empowered when I understand them.

My jobs are great, too, and I am lucky to feel useful and valued in both. I don’t like being at a job that does not require any of my strengths and where I just feel replaceable, but both of mine have to do with writing and social media marketing, which are totally up my alley. Again, they take time, but I am so lucky to have two inflows of income and to be working jobs I am actually enjoying.

 

So overall, I think things are crazy, but good. If anything, I hope this post serves as a reminder that it’s okay to not have everything figured out, to feel out of alignment, but also to really soak up the things going really well too. I love you all so much, and I hope you’ll stick with me on this new adventure as I very consciously work to carve space for the things most important to me. <3

 

Linking up with Meg for Week in Review