Season of Reflection: What Purpose Means to Me

Hello my darling friends, and thank you for being right here right now and choosing to spend these 10 minutes reading and following along with all my musings. I would do this even if there was no one on the other end, but it means the world to me that you are here. Thank you. <3

Just to set the scene, I just came home from a very cold and windy walk outside, so I’m burrowed in my blanket burrito-style, with a cup of steamy chocolate chai tea right in front of me, and Spotify playing my current favorite playlist. Coziness is of utmost importance when winter is almost upon us. 🙂

If you read my recent post on feeling lost, this is kind of a sequel to that one. Over this past week, I’ve had a few interesting events transpire that definitely opened my eyes to a few interesting realizations. And as I’ve designated this the Season of Reflection, I will continue to write with pencil as I slowly uncover new layers of insight into myself that will hopefully resonate with some of you all. As always, my words may not ring totally true to you, in which case I hope you can still benefit from a different perspective. Take what resonates and leave the rest. 🙂

So. Purpose.

 

It’s a loaded word, isn’t it? A word that is definitely glorified in our society. We hear about “finding purpose” all the time, and the importance of living a purpose-filled life, and of the connection between purpose and fulfillment. But purpose is a slippery thing to really grab hold of. When we feel it, we know we are exactly where we need to be. We wake up excited and invigorated, and everything seems to flow to us effortlessly. We don’t question; we trust, and that trust is confirmed by the consistent unfolding of our desires. It’s a truly magical place to be.

 

And of course, it cannot last forever. Eventually, inevitably, something will happen that causes us to veer off-course. Maybe it’s a minor setback, or something huge that totally knocks the wind out from under us, but suddenly we feel disconnected from that sense of purpose. What used to light us up doesn’t feel the same anymore. The things that used to come easily now feel like an insurmountable struggle. We feel tired and lost and confused, and it’s really really hard to remember a time when things weren’t this hard.

It can be really confusing and disorienting when something we used to define as our purpose no longer feels right. We want to fill that empty spot right away, or else resolutely keep pretending that old path still fits. And yet, we cannot play that game for long before we start feeling inauthentic and unfulfilled because we intuitively know our actions are no longer lining up with our hearts’ desires.

 

To put some context to this, I’ve gone through a lot of growing pains this semester trying to figure out what it is that is calling me in this season of life. I talked in this post about how ultimately I decided to let go of trying to figure that out and instead focus on just doing what feels good.

And while I am very much on board with that, what I realized is that I was still looking at purpose through this naive lens of being “the one thing I’m meant to do forever and ever.” I thought, okay, I’ll just focus inwards and do what feels good and eventually, maybe, my “calling” would surface without my needing to do anything.

Until it hit me.

Purpose is not one thing you are meant to do forever. Purpose is an ever-evolving reflection of whatever your heart’s desire is in the current moment.

Pause.

Let that sink in.

 

I was never the kind of person who knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, and I’ve always been interested in a whole bunch of things. Because of that, I always knew there is no one job that I can see myself doing from graduation to retirement.

Yet somewhere along the way, I created a “purpose” in my mind that involved some combination of entrepreneurialism, creativity, and writing. I began to define myself by this “purpose” and become obsessed with taking steps to fulfill it, unwittingly pigeonholing myself into a particular track when that was precisely what I always wanted to avoid. I thought, okay, first I need to grow this blog to X number of readers, and then I need to reach out to X brands so I can begin to seriously monetize and scale. Then I need to get X number of followers on Instagram and X percent engagement so that I can start getting the attention of brands for sponsorships. Only then, I thought, would I be on my way to following my path and fulfilling my purpose.

 

And wow, writing all that out for the first time ever feels so cathartic and liberating. Because I realize now NONE of those things are my purpose at all. And I don’t actually need to accomplish any one of them to find fulfillment right now in this moment.

I’ve talked quite a bit on here about how I’ve chosen to live much more intentionally in the past year or so. Doing what feels right and unapologetically saying no to what doesn’t. And what was most difficult for me was trying to reconcile this with the identity I was gripping onto with all my might.

To be honest, it didn’t feel good to spend a bunch of brain space thinking about how to grow and monetize my blog. I didn’t feel fired up thinking about growing my Instagram to astronomical proportions. And this felt so confusing because somewhere along the way, I’d convinced myself that these were pivotal to my living my purpose. So those things were supposed to feel right. Right?

 

This past weekend, I was in NYC for a conference for my summer internship, and it left me with a feeling of purpose and passion such that I haven’t felt in a long time. It was precisely what I’d been so craving and missing for the past few months. And it came from an avenue I’d never expected.

And that’s when I realized. Just because something feels right and fulfilling and aligned at one moment in time, does not mean it always will. Because we are not stagnant, and our paths are constantly morphing  based on the decisions we make on a daily basis. Which means looking for a single elusive purpose and then committing to sticking to that for the rest of your days is a losing game.

And more than that, purpose is not necessarily tied to our work or what makes money. Thinking about the moments that I felt most aligned and full of purpose, I realized many of those had nothing to do with work and usually fell into these categories:

 

1. When I feel I am using my strengths to contribute in a unique way to something I care deeply about.
2. When I am truly connecting and spending quality time with a good friend.
3. When I am creating something, even just for pleasure.

 

None of these involve starting my own business, or making six figures, or writing a book. Here’s the thing, all these things COULD happen, and yes, they are long-term goals of mine that it would be really cool to achieve.

But there is a difference between goals and PURPOSE. Goals are external and tangible; purpose is fully internal and something only you can really feel. Purpose is the feeling of being connected to your soul and acting straight from that source. It’s not found in your job or your hobby or even in your children. Those things could all be avenues or ways you get to that feeling of purpose, but ultimately your true purpose is only within you. And it’s not something to “find” or “lose” but rather something to discover on a daily, on a momentary even, basis.

 

You are not defined by a single purpose to work towards for the rest of your life.

 

But you are defined by how you choose to live each day. And by digging deep and connecting to your heart as often as possible, so that you can truly live aligned by your deepest values and desires, you can connect to that sense of purpose through absolutely anything.

Maybe there will come a time when scaling my blog will feel totally aligned for me, when it will feel effortless and exciting and fun, and then I’ll know doing that is going to be aligned with my purpose. But right now, what feels right is using this space as an extension of my thoughts and just having fun with it, without placing any external goals or expectations for it.

I am not saying that growing or monetizing this blog will never be aligned with my purpose, or that I am letting go of my dreams. But I am no longer going to be limiting myself to some preconceived notion of what my life should be, when my priorities and interests are allowed to change and evolve along with me. I am no longer going to define myself or my success by how close I am to an arbitrary external goal.

 

Instead, I am finding purpose in

• My relationships
• My education and learning as much as I can of what interests me
• Having FUN (which basically includes doing anything that feels good in the present moment)

 

Thank you so much for reading, and if you made it all the way here, I love and appreciate you so much. Drop me a comment if you have a second, and let me know your thoughts, or what gives YOU a sense of purpose, or just say hey. 🙂

Have a magical and oh-so-fulfilling week. <3