Realization of the week: I get anxious when I am alone.
More specifically, I’m anxious when I am alone and not working on something. I’d always felt very comfortable being on my own and doing my own thing, but it occurs to me now that this has always involved “doing.” I honestly cannot remember the last time I was forced to be alone and also wasn’t instantly busying myself with something.
While this is a very recent development, I am wondering if it’s not recent at all and I just haven’t had the space and freedom in my life to realize this. To be honest, it’s a bit alarming to realize I can’t really recall being alone and also being task-free in the near or even distant past. There was always homework to do, blog posts to write, or people to hang out with. And I love it that way, I really do. I always knew I’m happy when I have a full schedule, particularly when it is full with the things and people that really fill my soul.
But this new discovery poses the question, how much of my constantly doing things was me numbing out this very uncomfortable feeling I often find myself sitting with now? How much was just a defense mechanism to avoid dealing with some deeper darker fears? I’m not sure, and I suspect this semester will provide me with ample time to ponder the issue.
The first snippet of the feeling was earlier this week when I started getting sick (yup, I’ve officially experienced being sick abroad, and it’s not the most fun). I was just feeling really lethargic and snotty and generally not up for company, but the group of people I spend a lot of time with here were planning all these night plans and next day plans. As I read through the group chat, I felt an icky but also distantly familiar feeling rise up in my chest. I coughed. The feeling continued. FOMO.
FOMO.
Really, Nicole? Really?! I confess, I was quite angry with myself. How could I, the girl who always preaches and encourages following your heart and doing your own thing be experiencing FOMO? And worse, how could I be experiencing it ABROAD, when I promised myself that abroad would be all about me and spending time with me and connecting with me?
It didn’t add up, and as I tried to explain all these feelings to my mom amidst sneezes, coughs, and a few tears, she tentatively offered that maybe I’m just introspecting too much. That maybe sometimes feelings come, and I don’t have to pick them all apart and wonder at them. To which I gave a big laugh because hello, I’m me, and I overanalyze myself like nothing else. But then I also felt a little guilty because first of all, the world does not revolve around me and I spent that whole conversation hyper-focusing on my non-issue and wasting my mom’s time. And second of all, I am STUDYING ABROAD. Like, how amazing is it and how lucky am I to be in Europe right now? When else am I actually going to be living in the UK, within spitting distance of castles and lochs and freaking Paris?
So yeah I felt guilty. And then I felt sorry for myself some more for the fact that I’m sick. And then I told myself to quit that pity party because at least I have the opportunity to rest here and actually take the time for myself, unlike at Georgetown where I would need to chug through with an Advil and a DayQuil brandished in each hand.
And then, after all that emotion, I finally got to pure acceptance. I breathed in, said goodnight to my mom and apologized for being this way, and then I reminded myself that it’s okay to sometimes give yourself a little pity party. It’s okay to feel lonely in a new place, and it’s okay to need some time to rest because you’re sick. It’s okay.
Since that slight meltdown, I’ve had some truly lovely sweet moments.
- A delicious vegan breakfast with a super fun group
A spontaneous day of exploring the city with a new friend, seeing Holyrood Palace after watching Mary Queen of Scots, and then chatting for hours in a coffeeshop about our very similar views on study abroad and college and life.
A fantastic to-scale moon art exhibit in the gorgeous candlelit St. Giles Cathedral with a couple amazing gals, followed by trying the Edinburgh delicacy, the deep fried Mars Bar, and then going for some brews at the super chill BrewDog. All on a Monday night (oof the rush! 😉 )
- Enjoying a wine and cheese platter + homemade sushi with my group of lovely friends and then listening to a chapter of Harry Potter as we all sat contentedly, our bellies and souls totally full.
- Seeing a Georgetown friend who was passing through Edinburgh and having the most delicious breakfast over awesome conversation (guys that’s a pancake with a scrambled egg, bacon, and maple syrup. It was legit.)
Planning some awesome trips coming up that I’ll be sure to keep you in the loop about!
And some not-so-sweet moments:
- Being sick and continuously thinking I’m better but then being slightly worse the day after.
- That anxiety feeling that creeps up when I’m alone.
Speaking of, as a fairly non-complacent person, I’m handling this anxious feeling quite differently than I’ve done with anxiety in the past. In the past, I might have resisted it and tried every possible thing to numb myself. Watching Netflix, listening to podcasts, doing various activities. And while I’m still doing all those things, and there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m making sure that when I am, I am fully present and am doing those things for the pure joy of it and not the mental check-out. It’s been a bit of a challenge, but I’m working on it.
But more than that, I’m planning on tackling this thing head-on. Walking fearlessly into the storm, so to speak. Meaning, planning some really cool solo trips, putting my phone away more, and making absolutely no effort to plan for the future (except for some travel plans). Part of the anxiety revolves around feeling like I “should” be doing something, hanging out with someone, exploring, applying to summer jobs, working on personal projects, etc. But honestly, I sometimes don’t feel like doing any of those things. Since I’ve come here, I haven’t really felt like being “productive,” and I don’t think that’s what this season is about. And while I have fully accepted that part, it’s the general “doing something” part that I’m still having some trouble with.
Basically, I just need to get comfortable with being by myself. No distractions, no tasks, nothing but my own awesome company.
And I’ve been doing my best with it. Not switching on a podcast as I’m getting ready, not turning on a Netflix episode as I’m winding down before bed, not putting on music the moment I find myself in total and complete silence. It was scary at first, but slowly it began to feel…normal…natural, somehow. My mind was totally quiet and still at first, and then as if tentatively testing the waters, the thoughts slowly started to emerge. Thoughts and dreams and wonders, such as I haven’t experienced in a long time.
I think part of why this is so scary is it’s been so long since I’ve had such unadulterated quality time with myself; maybe my ego that likes to think I know myself better than anyone is scared of finding out that perhaps I no longer do. But you know what? I’m pretty damn excited to get to know her again, to learn how to be with her without needing any screens or masks. Because I have a feeling I’ll like what I’ll find.
Thank you for reading my rambles <3 Until next week, loves.
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