Dun dun dun! How’s that for a dramatic title? I recently found out that the first person to do a post like this was actually Jess Lively, and then the blogosphere sort of turned it into this crazy massive phenomenon. I’ve seen a few of these floating around, especially lately, and while they do sound clickbait-y and overly melodramatic, I love them.
I love reading them because, let’s face it, we’re all nosy and want to know what the skeletons in other people’s closets are, especially when those people are particularly inspiring and seem to lead perfect lives. But I also have always wanted to write one of these because there are many things I still feel scared to talk about, but also really want to because I know it would help both me and you guys reading. Does that make any sense?
Anyway, I’m just going to dive right into the deep dark confessions (they’re not really all that dark, don’t worry) and hopefully this will be the perfect mix of cathartic and helpful. š
I’m feeling kind of uncomfortable at school right now
Maybe this is because college feels really weird right now when classes haven’t really amped up yet, so there’s not much schoolwork. Or maybe it’s the fact of getting used to living in an apartment on my own and figuring out cooking all my own meals and cleaning and just adulting in general. It’s really strange because while I have no issue with all these same things back home, it feels like an entirely different ball game at school. Some kind of mental block, I guess?
Some things are great. My friends, those late nights when we’re all hanging out and talking and it feels like problems cease to exist, some extracurriculars I’m a part of…but then there are also those moments on almost a daily basis where I just needĀ to pause and gather myself because something just feels so… off. Again, the words I’m choosing to guide me right now are Trust and Flow, and with those in mind, I feel much more content in the discomfort. JustĀ finding comfort in the discomfort, I suppose.
I’m having way fewer uncomfortable days and more sweet flowing days, so I’m writing this off as just the natural discomfort of new beginnings. Though there is something else…
I feel a bit like I’m growing up too fast to catch up
This one is particularly weird, and it’s really hard to articulate, so bear with me. I have this feeling sometimes like I’m looking at myself from the side and I almost have trouble recognizing myself. Like the choices I am making or the thoughts I am having are suddenly different from what they were in the past.
This is also part of what is making me uncomfortable at school becauseĀ I feel really disconnected from some college things. Almost like I’m ready for the real world, and taking classes and doing the whole “college” thing is taking up a lot of time that I could be using for other things.
I don’t even fully believe this, you know? I mean in many ways, I love college. And there’s something so magical about being in such close proximity with all your friends, and just being surrounded by people who are in the same age group and are similar to you in many ways.
But at the same time, I feelĀ a bit off-kilter sometimes when I start trying to force myself to get in the “college mindset.” Again, this could be just a temporary thing, but I also want to make sure that I’m not starting this year with a whole bunch of resistance. Waiting for this semester to be over or for college to be over is not the way to be present or to enjoy the current moment. And there are so many things to be grateful for, things I know I’ll miss when they becomeĀ memories.
Nevertheless, it’s really hard when it feels like you’re going through some big changes, and you have trouble figuring out what exactly those are and how they reflect in your identity. Especially as a very self-aware human, I don’t like feeling so uncertain in who I am. Though I guess that’s a part of transitioning to the twenties and general adulthood, huh?
I’m already feeling a bit overwhelmed with my agenda
I really don’t know what’s wrong with me, but without fail I always tend to oversubscribe myself. This is especially common in my life when I am starting some new period in my life and so feel like I can take on a bunch of new responsibilities. Of course, w
ithout taking out any old responsibilities to make space for those new ones.
Currently, I have two jobs (one is a small part-time flexible gig), this blog, the podcast, and school. Plus I need to finish studying for my fitness certification exam, apply to go abroad, and apply for a summer internship for next year. And this isn’t counting the various other small things that when added up take up a huge chunk of time too but are important daily tasks. It does sound insane when I list it like this, but I will say that many of these things are kinda tucker-down-for-2-hours-and-do-it kinds of things. I do feel confident that with some good time management, I can maintain some semblance of balance in my life.
I honestly don’t know if I’ve taken on too much. Maybe it’s all fine, and I’ll handle it great. Or maybe it really is too much and I will finally learn to stop doing this to myself. Either way, I suppose we will find out. I do comfort myself with the knowledge that if things ever do feel overwhelming, I know I can pull back in certain arenas, be it in the blogging front or the work front. School, of course, has to take first priority for now. Actually, scratch that, my health and well-being take first priority, which means I am going to be especially careful about not pushing too hard on myself and slowing down when I need to.
At times I feel so overwhelmed with emotion that I feel numb
This is nothing new for me. I’m the type of person who can let emotions, especially negative ones, get really bottled up which then leads to some kind of massive explosion because as we all know, stuffing down feelings only bites you in the ass in the end.
Having personal experience with this, I am trying really hard this time around to take care of myself and gently but firmly work through everything going on. The way that feels most right to me is to talk to someone who is trained in this kind of thing. I’ll keep you guys posted on this particular journey, but this will be pretty new for me, and I’m still trying to figure out if it’s the right step. The one thing holding me back is I really want to find someone I am super comfortable with and vibe with, and I don’t think I’m ready for the mental and emotional exhaustion of going from person to person and not connecting with anyone.
My top priority this fall is to take care of myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So if that means some things need to be put on the back-burner, so be it. I never want to look back on my college years feeling like I didn’t enjoy them enough because I was too busy with tasks that weren’t even that pressing in hindsight.
Phew, that’s actually a load off. If you’ve made it this far, you’re a hero. I hope everything is going well in your life, and if not, I would actually totally suggest a journaling prompt in a format like this blog post’s. It’s really cathartic, and you sort of end up self-soothing and comforting yourself as you work through all the things bothering you.
Sending lots of love your way, and I hope you have an amazing weekend. <3
I didn’t know Jess Lively did the first post like this! And yeah, while they sound overly dramatic and click-baity, I love them so much.
I resonated with these SO much. Especially the one about feeling like you’re growing up too fast to catch up. I remember last year feeling like yeah, this college thing is cool, but I am so ready be in grad school and have an apartment and a job and be in the real world. And yet at the same time, also knowing that I’m actually not ready and that I should soak up this college experience while I’m here.
I love that trust and flow are your guiding words right now. I might have to adopt those. And also that your top priority is to take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I really struggled with that last year and I want to make sure to prioritize it this year.
Also, unrelated to the topic, but I LOVE your dress in the pictures. It’s perfect on you. <3
Naomi recently posted…Coming Next Weekā¦
I also didn’t know, until she mentioned it on her podcast! And yes, trust and flow are really keeping me afloat right now, and I do hope they will work for you as well. So interesting, isn’t it, how the grass always feels greener on the other side. I think when we make sure to be fully present in each moment and to notice the good about the current moment, we prevent that wistfulness and the wanting to make the time go quicker. Sometimes hard to do, though, when life feels particularly tough.
And thank you so much for the compliment!!! <3
I thinking talking to someone is always, ALWAYS, a beneficial and good thing to do. No matter who you are. No matter what you are “going through” or “not going through.” Yes, you may definitely end up having to do some “shopping around” before finding someone who totally feels like the right fit. Though, you may also not. But regardless a) that in itself is going to teach you things and b) its worth it. To have someone to unleash some inner workings on so they are just simply not festering in your own mind and making everything else around you (and girl, you have a LOT around you) seem that much more mountainous is going to save you a lot of additional stress and possible un-health. I’m not pushing you to find someone to talk to or do anything you don’t want to do – you get to make that decision – all I’m saying is IF you DO decide to try and find someone, you are completely justified.
Now that that little sermon of mine is over – there is lots more I could say to you about this post. But really, I think you are already sorting it all out within yourself. You have signed up for A LOT. No doubt about that. But you also don’t need to be told that – you know you have. And like you said, it will just be a bit of a time game to see if it is truly manageable, or if it truly too much. I don’t know! We may all be surprised! But these feelings you have entering school and having different thoughts about what you are doing are great and normal and scary and confusing all in one. You are very mature for your age, so I can absolutely see how this may be causing you some weird internal questioning. A blessing and a curse, perhaps. For now – if you are truly feeling overwhelmed and need to lessen your load, or need some help in any way or form, just send me an email <3
Cora recently posted…Being Honest With Myself And What I’ve Been Experiencing Since Stopping Exercise
Cora, thank you as always. So much love for you. You are completely right, and I am supposed to meet with my first contender tomorrow. We shall see; I feel like even if I don’t click with her, just talking things out that I know I’ve been keeping in is going to mean a world of difference.
I hope you know that your last sentence totally applies backatcha too š
So far, it’s definitely a LOT but I’m also being much more conscientious this semester about paying attention to my well-being and what I need and getting slower.